


Come Home (You'll be Safe Here)

by BookNeat, Summersnow (BookNeat)



Series: A Place of Greater Safety [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Austria needs serious help, F/M, Gaslighting, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, not beta read we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:08:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22597582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookNeat/pseuds/BookNeat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookNeat/pseuds/Summersnow
Summary: “God help me.” Gilbert whispered, picking up Roderich’s phone, careful not to unlock it, he looked at the texts hoping they were from a familiar name. They weren’t. Whoever it was was important enough to Roderich to have a contact name rather than just a phone number. JTB.
Relationships: Austria/Bavaria (Hetalia), Austria/Prussia (Hetalia), mentioned Poland/Lithuania
Series: A Place of Greater Safety [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1627198
Comments: 17
Kudos: 75





	1. Chapter 1

Roderich Edelstein was seated on the couch, staring at what, only God and Roderich knew. His phone sat next to him, buzzing for what seemed like the thousandth time that day. 

“Are you going to answer that?” Gilbert asked from across the room. “Because, if not, I will.” 

Roderich blinked hard and frowned. “Pardon?” 

“Your phone. Are you going to answer it?” Gilbert asked, standing. 

He glanced over and winced at the contact name. “No.” 

“Can I ask who it is?”

Roderich sat a little straighter and smiled at his boyfriend. “What are you writing?” He obfuscated.

“Roderich,” he sighed, moving towards him. “Who is it?”

“You seemed engrossed. What are you writing?” 

“Damn it Roderich, just answer the question.” He sat across from him. 

“No one of importance. What are you writing?”

“If it wasn’t someone important, then why did you flinch?”

“I didn’t. Don’t you trust me?” Roderich searched Gilbert’s face before sighing and standing. “I’m going out for a smoke if you’d like to join me.” With that, he left Gilbert alone with Roderich’s phone. 

Gilbert sighed and tapped his foot, resisting the urge to peek at the Austrian’s phone. Distantly he heard the patio door slide to a close. He managed to resist the urge for a moment, but another sharp buzz broke the silence of the living room. 

“God help me.” He whispered, picking up Roderich’s phone, careful not to unlock it, he looked at the texts hoping they were from a familiar name. They weren’t. Whoever it was was important enough to Roderich to have a contact name rather than just a phone number. JTB it read. Gilbert set down the phone and looked up at the ceiling. Maybe it was just someone from the government or one of those friends of Roderich that he insisted on Gilbert never meeting--something about propriety and the wrong sort of crowd. He drummed his fingers on his thigh, trying to distract himself from the nagging feeling in the back of his head that something wasn’t right. He nearly succeeded when another sharp buzz came from the phone on the coffee table. He picked up the phone and scrolled to the bottom of the texts. 

_ Hi, how are you? _

_ What are you doing? _

_ You’re not in Salzburg. Vienna?  _

_ We should get a coffee… talk about things.  _

_ You better not be ignoring me Roderich. You know what happens when you ignore me.  _

_ I know for a fact you didn’t kill yourself. I would have heard if you did. You should try again.  _

_ You said to leave you alone, but you always call.  _

_ You’re still in love with me, aren’t you baby?  _

_ Don’t you know I’ll find you. _

_ You’re mine. Don’t ever fucking forget that.  _

_ No one loves you like I do.  _

_ I’m the only one who really loves you. They just tolerate you.  _

_ Come back to me Roderich. I’ll make everything all better. I’ll make you better.  _

_ You know, good people don’t run away from their families. We’re gonna have to fix that, aren’t we?  _

_ I know you’re not ignoring me, right? You wouldn’t do that.  _

_ All those things you accused me of? I never did. You just want attention.  _

_ Classic narcissist. You always think about yourself. That’s why you ran isn’t it? Things weren’t about you, so you ran to people you knew would be blind enough to make things about you. When you get back, things are going to change.  _

_ Do you really think ignoring me will make you okay? Nothing will make you okay without my help. _

_ I swear to god if you’re with that Spanish brat you have another thing coming to you.  _

_ Come home. I miss you. _

_ Answer me Roderich.  _

_ NOW! _

The clock ticked softly in the background as he read the string of seemingly endless texts. Gilbert shuddered, setting the phone down, a pit settling in the bottom of his stomach. Whoever JTB was, he was intent on pulling Roderich back into his grasp. He ran his hands through his hair and looked at the piano. Something wasn’t right. Roderich was keeping secrets. Gilbert stood and walked out into the backyard, joining Roderich. 

“It’s a nice day.” He said, taking a seat next to Roderich, who had finished his cigarette and was staring off into nothing. 

Roderich whipped his head over to face him and took a deep breath, pushing his glasses back up on to his nose. “Yes, it is.” 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

He smiled softly. “You didn’t. I was somewhere else.” 

“Where?” 

Roderich smiled and looked down at the ashtray on the table next to him. “We were kids. You dragged Liza and I to the sea. I sat on the sand while you and Liza splashed around in the water. You chased me with kelp.” 

“You were so scared.” 

“Shut up.” 

The pair sat in a comfortable silence, watching birds flit through the sky. 

“You know,” Roderich said. “I miss those days. You were so innocent So was Liza. All you wanted was to play in the sun and go on grand adventures.” 

“You were innocent too.” 

Roderich scoffed and looked at him unimpressed. 

“You were!”

“No, I wasn’t.” 

“Oh yeah? What made you and I different, huh?” 

Roderich opened and closed his mouth, trying to think of something that made him somehow immoral. 

“You’ve got nothing Rod, and you know it.” 

“Before we met, after Vash and I distanced ourselves from one another, Johann, your brother, helped me, made me destroy other young nations to build a duchy for myself and an empire for him… until I uhm, I stabbed him in the back and turned to Anna.” He searched Gilbert’s face for something, but found nothing. “When we met, you were still a small kingdom. You hadn’t done the things that I did, yet.”

“My brother helped you?” He had only ever known Roderich and Johann hating each other at least and wanting the other dead at most. 

“Yes, until I stabbed him in the back.” He fiddled with his leather pouch, contemplating another cigarette. He didn’t really want one, but it was something to do. “We used to be close. We shared an empire.”

“Why did you stab him in the back?” 

“I don’t know, it’s so long ago now, I can’t even remember. I don’t even remember what I did.” 

“So then how do you know you stabbed him in the back, and he didn’t just leave?” 

Roderich stiffened. “I have to trust what I’ve been told.” 

“By whom?”

Roderich raised an eyebrow as if to say you know exactly who. 

Gilbert nodded and looked out over the lawn. “I should head inside,” he said, after a long silence. “Too much sun.” 

Roderich nodded and stood. “I’ll join you.”

He followed the Prussian inside. He stopped just inside the kitchen and took Gilbert’s hand, kissing it. Gilbert looked up at him with a soft smile. 

“I love you.” Roderich murmured. 

“I love you too, completely innocent or not.” 

Roderich smiled and pecked his lips. “I was thinking we could go to town? There are a few markets and we are in desperate need of food, unless you’re content continuing to order out, so we don’t have to do dishes.” 

“No, going out sounds nice. Give me five minutes to change and we can go.” 

Roderich nodded and kissed him again. “I’ll be waiting in the front room.” 

Gilbert nodded and hurried upstairs to freshen up and change. 

Roderich unlocked his phone, immediately checking to see if his read receipts were off before reading the fifty some texts he had received. A chill went down his spine as he read. His hands started to shake as he slowly typed and retyped a response. He shook his head a few times, trying to clear the fog that had settled in his brain. He blinked hard and deleted everything before typing a single word: Vienna. Instantly, three dots appeared then disappeared, then reappeared before a new text came through. 

_ Thought so.  _

Roderich rubbed his eyes and looked up at the ceiling. His phone buzzed again. 

_ I’ll see you. Korb. We have things to discuss.  _

**Okay.**

He pocketed his phone and looked about the room. It was organised now Gilbert had moved in. Gone were the piles of sheet music in every corner and the empty coffee mugs scattered around the room. The room felt both somewhat foreign and completely homey as the pair spent most of their free days in that room, Roderich playing the piano while Gilbert read or wrote. 

He was pulled from his thoughts by Gilbert thundering down the stairs, pulling his shirt the rest of the way down. Roderich looked over, raising an eyebrow. 

“Are the Royal Hussars chasing you down the stairs?” 

“No,” Gilbert said, pulling his other shoe on. “It’s just a nice day.” 

Roderich nodded and stood. “You’re driving.” 

“You’re fucking right I am.” 

They grabbed their wallets from the table and walked out to the car. 

“I was writing a letter to Tolys. He doesn’t like texting.” 

“And you say I’m old fashioned.” 

Gilbert laughed, sliding into the drivers side. “Get in the car.” 

Roderich rolled his eyes and did as he was told. His phone buzzing in his back pocket-something he elected to ignore. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Hello: TW for verbal abuse and gaslighting

The couple walked down the stall lined streets, hand in hand, arms full of shopping bags. Roderich looked around as if he were searching for someone while Gilbert paid for vegetables. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he was being watched. He pressed a kiss to Gilbert’s cheek when he returned. 

“What was that for?” He asked, a faint blush creeping across his cheeks. 

“Just because.” Roderich shrugged. 

Gilbert nodded. They had come so far from only a few months ago when Roderich had to ask before enacting any kind of physical affection, and while they weren’t perfect, things were better for Gilbert than they had been in a long time. 

“Do you ever wonder?” Roderich said softly. 

“Do I ever wonder what?”

“What it’s like to be free of everything,” he paused, choosing his next words carefully. “No greater responsibilities. No constraints. We could do as we please without having to worry about money, or propriety, or having to ask someone else before doing anything. Free. No cages made of bars or otherwise.” 

Gilbert stepped in front of him, forcing him to stop walking. “What brought this on?”

“I saw a bird,” he said. “Well? Do you, or am I crazy?” 

“I used to, but not anymore. Not since the wall fell,” he said. “Why, do you?” He asked after a long pause. 

“By some things, yes,” he said. “Never by you, but other things, yes.” 

Gilbert nodded, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I’m glad you don’t feel trapped by me.” 

“How could I be? With you, every day is an adventure,” Roderich kissed him softly. “We should perhaps keep moving.” 

Gilbert nodded and stepped aside. They continued shopping, stopping every so often at craft stalls pointing out things either they or their friends would like. Roderich listened as Gilbert talked about soccer and some German hockey player who was leading the NHL in points. Gilbert listened as Roderich talked about new music and a tennis player whose professional career was beginning to take off. They slipped into a comfortable silence, Roderich occasionally straying a little too far until Gilbert ran up and grabbed his hand. 

They entered a larger stall selling various fruits. Roderich looked over at Gilbert whose attention had been turned to the apples on the stand in front of him. He took the opportunity to slip away and walk a little farther down the street before turning into a small cafe. 

“And here I was thinking you’d never come when you didn’t respond to my text,” a deep voice said from behind him. “I thought we had a rule: _always_ respond to me.”

Roderich’s head whipped around, recognising the voice instantly. 

“But here you are,” a tall, muscular man said standing up at his table. “I got you something. I’m guessing we don’t have much time.” He sat again, flipping his long blond hair out of his face. 

“Johann.” Roderich said setting the bags down before taking a seat across from him. 

“Hello Roderich.” He said as if he were greeting a lover.

He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, trying to slow down. “Why am I here?” 

“I wanted to have a chat. We don’t talk anymore.” 

Roderich looked down at his lap, wanting nothing more than to stand up and walk back to Gilbert, but his legs were frozen. “What do you want?” 

“For you to come home. I miss you. I’ve changed, for the better.” He set his hand palm up on the table-an invitation. 

“I am home. Austria is my home, not Bavaria, and definitely not Germany.” 

“You should tell that to Gilbert, he wants nothing more than to move you to Berlin.”

“We’ve discussed that, but for now, we’re staying here. I would rather not return to Berlin.” 

Johann smiled at him. “So controlling.” 

Roderich sat a little straighter in his chair, clenching his jaw. 

“You love doing that, don’t you? Controlling the lives of other people. Telling them what they can and can’t do. Who they can and can’t see?” 

“I don’t,” he whispered, mentally kicking himself for sounding so weak. “I never did. That was you.” He said, trying more to remind himself who the demon was, rather than disputing Johann. 

“I bet you think Gilbert’s happy here. He’s trapped by you.” 

“No, he’s not, he said so himself. He’s happy,” he said, bouncing his leg. “I love him.” 

“And I bet you think he loves you too, don’t you?” Johann said, not taking his eyes off of Roderich. “He doesn’t. No one loves you. No one, except for me,” he reached out, lifting Roderich’s head up. “No one loves you like I do.” 

Roderich jerked back, looking around the empty cafe patio for an excuse to leave. He tried to fight back, but his voice failed him. Where was Gilbert?

“I can fix you, you know. I can make everything all better,” he looked over his shoulder and saw Gilbert walking up the street. “Remember Roderich, they don’t love you, they don’t even like you.” With that, he left, walking out of the cafe and disappearing into the crowded Vienna streets. 

“Where did you go? I turned around and you were gone.” Gilbert said, sitting where Johann had been just a few moments prior. 

“I, uhm, I turned around and thought I saw you farther ahead, so I followed, but it wasn’t you. Then I got lost, so I came here. I knew you’d find me.” 

Gilbert nodded. “Who were you talking to?” 

Roderich froze, taking a deep breath. He was hoping Gilbert hadn’t seen him. 

“Rod?” He asked, leaning forward just a little, sensing his anxiety. “Who?” 

He blinked a few times, trying to focus on Gilbert only. “Johann.” 

“My brother?” 

Roderich nodded. 

“What’s he doing here?” He asked, leaning back into his seat.

He shook his head. “No clue.” He lied. 

Gilbert nodded. “You gonna drink that?” He asked, pointing down to the untouched coffee. 

Roderich looked down and stared at it. “No.” 

He pulled the cup towards him, taking a sip. He looked out over the crowds and smiled, enjoying being part of the world rather than locked up in some cold, dank basement. He smiled at Roderich, who did his best to smile back. 

“Are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I’m just a little tired.”

“Are you okay just sitting here, or would you like to go?” 

Roderich looked at him for a moment, trying to think of the right answer. “We can sit here if you’d like.” 

“I’ll finish then we can go home.” 

“Are you sure?” Johann would never offer something like that.

“Yeah, I got some stuff that needs to go in the fridge sooner rather than later anyway. We can come back out later if you feel up to it.” 

Roderich nodded and looked down at his phone again. A text popped up from JTB. 

_Nice chat. Remember what I said._

He pocketed his phone, but not before Gilbert saw the message. That’s when it clicked-JTB- Johann Theodor Bieldschmidt. He remembered hearing rumours about Roderich and Johann’s relationship being more than a once off when they were young, but he never believed it until now. He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath. How anyone could treat Roderich the way Johann did he didn’t understand. He wanted nothing more than to take Roderich away and protect him from anyone who tried to hurt him. Quickly, he drank the rest of his coffee, setting the empty cup on the table, trying to get a hold of his emotions. 

“Shall we?” He asked, pulling Roderich out of his head. 

He looked at him in confusion. 

“Home?” 

Roderich nodded, standing and picking up his share of the bags. Gilbert followed his lead. 

“May I?” He asked, looking down at his boyfriend’s hand. He had never asked permission to do something as innocuous as hand holding, but something about Roderich’s energy made him feel as though that was the right thing to do.

Roderich took his hand without answering, holding on to it like a lifeline. The walk back to the car was silent, neither man attempting to make any conversation. They dumped their groceries into the trunk before sliding into the front. It wasn’t until they were halfway home when Roderich spoke. 

“I don’t make you feel trapped, do I?” 

“No, I told you I don’t feel trapped anymore.” 

“But I’m making you stay here.” 

Gilbert pressed on the brake as they came up to a red light and looked at Roderich. “We agreed to stay here for the time being, and that’s more than okay with me. I’m happy being wherever you are. Berlin, Salzburg, Vienna. I’d probably be happy in Moscow if you were with me.” 

Roderich nodded and looked out the window. “Okay.” He said, not believing him.

“I love you, Roddy.” 

“I love you too, Gil.” 

The rest of the ride to the house was spent in silence. Gilbert with one hand on the wheel and the other holding Roderich’s hand when he didn’t need it to shift gears. He pulled up to the house and cleared his throat. 

“Don’t worry about the groceries, I can do that. Why don’t you go lie down?” 

Roderich nodded and slid out of the car before walking into the house, leaving the door open for Gilbert behind him. He walked into the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of schnapps taking it with him upstairs to the bedroom, drinking as he went. 

Gilbert sat in the car a little while longer before taking the groceries inside and putting them away. He tried to keep his mind away from Johann and Roderich but couldn’t. Whatever Johann had said to Roderich in their short conversation had rattled him so much he could hardly speak let alone look at him. He pulled out his phone and made a group chat with Elizabet, Antonio, and Francis, quickly naming it the ‘Roderich Protection Squad’ before sending a text. 

**We need to talk. I think it might be an emergency.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm not an Oilers fan, but Leon Draisaitl is killing the game thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Also Dominic Thiem anyone?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's short and my wifi is crap. TW Panic attack: please don't read if that's something that triggers you, your mental health is more important.

Roderich sat in the window frame, his feet dangling outside as he smoked his third cigarette, the bottle of schnapps long since finished. From downstairs he could hear Gilbert putting away groceries and tidying up the kitchen. He stared at the concrete beneath him and smiled for a moment before leaning back Johann’s words ringing in his ears. He crushed the cigarette butt into the ashtray and crawled out of the window and onto the floor beneath.

Leaning his head back, he stared at the ceiling, his conversation with Johann replaying over in his head. A lump formed in his throat as he looked around the room. Gilbert and Roderich’s belongings had become intertwined and new things they had bought together were scattered around the room. He bit his tongue fighting back tears. How he ever thought he could be left in peace he didn’t know. He clenched his jaw, biting harder on his tongue causing it to bleed. Roderich wiped his thumb against the corner of his mouth, drawing his hand away to see blood. His vision blurred. His body shuddered becoming numb. Memories of Johann in a violent rage came flooding back. He curled in on himself, protecting his head, hyperventilating as his carefully designed world came crumbling down around him. He didn’t notice anyone was with him until a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder. 

Roderich jumped away, looking at Gilbert with wide eyes. He was saying something, but Roderich couldn’t hear, his heart pounding in his ears. Gilbert moved, this time sitting slightly off to the side, making sure not to touch him until he calmed down enough to speak. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, clasping his hands in his lap. 

Roderich nodded violently, not wanting Gilbert to get angry with him.

“Okay,” he said. “Do you want anything? A glass of water?” 

Roderich nodded again, usually Johann gave him vodka. 

Gilbert nodded and stood. He poured a glass of water from the jar on the bedside table and brought it back to him. Roderich took it and drank it quickly, not wanting it to be taken away before he was finished. 

“Slow down, I don’t want you to choke.” Gilbert said, coming to the realisation that he was out of his depth here. 

Roderich slowed down. “Sorry.” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“Drank too fast.” 

“That’s not something to apologise for.” 

“Sorry.” 

Gilbert gave him a sad look before moving to sit next to him, making sure he didn’t touch him. “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Roderich shook his head and looked down.

“I shouldn’t have left you alone, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay.” 

Gilbert did a quick survey of the room, noticing the empty schnapps bottle in the middle of the room that had definitely not been there that morning. He decided not to comment on it, rather turning his attention back to his boyfriend. 

“You’re safe here, with me. You know that right?” He asked. “I won’t hurt you.” 

Roderich stared at him for a moment and nodded. “I know.” His voice was hollow and tired. 

“Do you want to take a nap?” 

Roderich nodded again, his eyes beginning to droop. 

“Hey, you gotta get into bed before you fall asleep.” 

“Carry me.” He mumbled. 

Gilbert stood and gingerly picked him up, not wanting to send Roderich into another panic attack. Roderich snuggled into his arms and finally took a deep breath. He tugged back the sheets and laid him down on the mattress. Gilbert tried to pull away but Roderich’s grip was like a vice. 

“Stay.” 

Gilbert nodded and lay down next to him. Roderich settled into the crook of his neck, his body relaxing. 

“You’re nicer to me than he was.” He murmured before falling asleep. 

Gilbert frowned and looked down at him. Mental images of Johann’s texts and how shaken Roderich was flooded his mind as he began to put together the pieces. He knew Johann had dated Roderich, and that Roderich had left. That they had a bitter rivalry, but then something happened, and they began dating again until one day they weren’t, or at least that’s what he overheard from Felix talking to Tolys one night long ago. He didn’t understand how Johann had his number and what he was doing, some 30 years later, chasing Roderich down. 

He pulled his phone from his pocket, careful not to disturb Roderich sleeping next to him. In his frenzy to put away groceries and tidy the kitchen, and trying to help Roderich the best he could, he had missed a collection of texts from the group saying they’d be there in the morning if he could just hold out until then. He responded with a travel safe and placed his phone on the bedside table before turning to stare out of the window until day shifted to night and he too fell asleep. 

* * *

Johan walked down the dimly lit street, his nose buried in his phone as he meticulously read over the notes he made as he remembered what did and didn’t work with Roderich during their relationship. He smiled to himself, flipping over to the photos app, where he had several photos of old film and polaroid photos of Roderich. He glanced up at the street sign and pocketed his phone, glancing over his shoulder, making sure he wasn’t followed, before ducking into a club. 

He looked around the room, his eyes catching a slender, tall, brunette man. Johann took a seat at the bar and waited for the room to fill before making his way towards the man, stopping every so often to dance with a stranger or two. The man smiled at him and met him halfway before turning and grinding up against him. Johann kissed up his neck and nibbled on his ear, 

“Follow me.” The man said. 

Johann let himself be dragged into the bathroom. The man closed the door behind them and smiled. He looked him up and down and raised an eyebrow. 

“Who do you want me to be?” He asked, pushing Johann against the wall and running his hand down his chest. 

“Roderich.” He whispered. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw Alcohol abuse and mild blood (Because accidents happen)

Roderich woke with a start around two in the morning and frantically looked around the room. He had no clue where he was or how he got there until he laid eyes on Gilbert fast asleep next to him. He took a shaky breath and sat up, everything flooding back to him all at once. Next to him, he could feel Gilbert shift away from him. Carefully, he crawled out of bed and shifted a pillow so Gilbert wouldn’t think he left. He grabbed his tobacco pouch and left the bedroom, shutting the door behind him. 

The house was silent. Moonlight streamed through the windows causing the polished antique furniture to glow slightly. Roderich made his way to the kitchen, pausing and looking around as if he half expected Johann to jump out from a dark corner and drag him to hell. He needed something to calm his nerves rather than wake him up. He set the tobacco pouch on the counter and pulled out a few bottles of liquor--it was dark and he couldn’t see the labels, and frankly he didn’t care. He opened one and took a long drink. Whiskey and a cheap one at that. He shrugged and continued to drink staring out into his backyard, his eyes settling on a dark figure in the distance. He blinked hard a few times and looked back, but the figure was gone. 

“You’re starting to see things again.” He whispered softly to himself before taking another drink. 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat at the breakfast nook, but it had been long enough to finish the already half drunk bottle of whiskey. He stood and swayed a little, steadying himself against the table. He grabbed another, considerably heavier bottle and took it to the front room. Roderich sat at the piano and opened the bottle. He took a small sip and grimaced, Everclear, no wonder the bottle was so full, he had stopped drinking it the day Gilbert started living with him. He set the bottle on a coaster next to the music rack and started to play. He ran through the classics: Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Beethoven, Debussy, and Chopin, before moving towards more current pop and rock songs, stopping every so often to take a small sip of Everclear. 

Roderich’s fingers began to fumble the keys as he finally began to feel the effects of drinking. He stopped playing and rubbed his face, taking yet another small sip. He set the bottle down and frowned. He drank considerably more than he thought he had. He moved to stand, but his body felt heavy and his head spun, so he sat back down. 

“I guess I sleep here then.” He sighed, closing the piano lid, catching it on his finger. He pulled his hand back and glared at the piano as if it were the one who dropped the lid rather than him. 

He laid his head down on his arms and sang softly until he fell asleep, the sun slowly beginning it’s assent into the sky. 

* * *

Gilbert woke up a few hours later. He rolled over to face Roderich, except Roderich wasn’t there. He shot out of bed and looked over to the floor next to the bed, but he hadn’t fallen off the bed. 

“Shit.” He grumbled, looking around the room, searching for a sign. 

He quickly changed into some more comfortable clothes, grabbed his phone and charger, and went downstairs, hoping Roderich was out smoking a cigarette or making breakfast. He peeked into the kitchen, but he wasn’t there either. He was about to call out his name when he heard a soft snore coming from the front room. Gilbert turned and walked towards the noise, stopping at the entrance, immediately catching sight of Roderich slumped over the piano, fast asleep. He smiled softly and took a few photos before turning to make a pot of coffee, opting to let Roderich sleep. 

In the kitchen, Gilbert plugged in his phone and looked through his texts. Antonio was close by, Eliza and Francis were an hour out. He sent a quick thumbs up before sending a text to Antonio telling him to come early. Antonio sent back a simple ‘Ok’. He set down his phone when the coffee maker chimed and poured himself a cup of coffee. He sat back at the breakfast nook and stared out the window and into the tree-line. Roderich’s Vienna house had always impressed him. It was outside of the city, but not so far out that it was isolated. Compared with the properties around it, his house and the subsequent land it sat on made it feel as though he had no neighbours at all. He could never understand why Roderich preferred Salzburg to Vienna, not that he really knew what Salzburg looked like. 

A knock at the door pulled him from his thoughts. He opened the door and was engulfed in a hug from Antonio. 

“Be quiet, Roddy’s sleeping.” Gilbert said, pulling away.

Antonio’s eyes widened. “Where?” 

“Front room, at the piano…” before he could tell him not to bother him, Antonio was off, leaning in the doorway, staring at his former husband. 

“He still snores.” He sighed before moving to lay a blanket over the Austrian’s shoulders. 

He smiled softly at him, his eyes skirting over his sleeping form before looking up at the bottle sitting on the piano. He picked it up and read the label in disgust. 

“Everclear, really Roderich?” He asked, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer. “Please don’t backslide.” He looked up at the sky as if asking God to help him before giving Roderich one last sad look and walking away. 

He rejoined Gilbert in the kitchen, his eyes immediately landing on the empty whiskey bottle sitting next to an unopened bottle of brandy. 

“I think that was Roderich.” Gilbert said over his coffee. 

“It was.” He said setting the bottle down in front of him. 

Gilbert looked at the bottle and stiffened, the harsh scent of vodka burning in his nose. “Get that away from me.”

Antonio frowned and looked between the bottle and Gilbert before connecting the dots. He found the cap and screwed it on before tucking it back in the incredibly depleted liquor cabinet. “Better?”

He nodded and sat back. Antonio poured himself a cup of coffee and sat next to him. They sat in silence for a while, listening to Roderich snoring from across the hall. 

“He’s drinking a lot again, no?” 

“I never really noticed until we started dating.” 

Antonio nodded. “You wouldn’t until you share a bedroom with him. How many empties were in his room the first time you went in there before he could clean up?” 

Gilbert tried to remember what Roderich’s room looked like that day. “I don’t know three or four maybe.” 

“He didn’t drink a lot when we went to drinks, no? Just what he brought to the table.” 

Gilbert shook his head. “I was watching. He was shooting something every time he went up, and that was at least six or seven times.” 

Antonio closed his eyes and leaned his head on Gilbert’s shoulder. “He’s been drinking a lot since you got together or no?” 

“I don’t know. When he’s stressed or upset, but I've never seen him finish a whole bottle or anything.” 

“No, he’s too smart for that. Drink a little from several then when they’re a fifth full, finish it and no one thinks a thing.” 

“How did you know that’s when he finishes bottles?” 

“Because it’s a pattern. What’s stressing him out this time? Work? His music?” An unspoken you hung heavy in the air. 

Gilbert opened his mouth to answer, but a cough interrupted them. 

“Roderich’s drinking?” Elizabet said, standing next to Francis, her arms crossed over her body. 

Antonio’s head snapped up. “Did he tell you he stopped?” 

Elizabet nodded. 

Francis looked between the three, clearly missing a large part of the conversation. “What’s going on?” 

“Roderich’s drinking.” Antonio grumbled. 

“I locked the door.” Gilbert said, staring at Elizabet. 

“I have a key.” 

“That’s fair.” He nodded. 

Francis sat across from the pair. “So Roderich’s drinking is putting him in danger?”

“No. Well yes, but no,” Gilbert said. “It’s my brother.” He looked around as if that would clear anything up? 

“Christoph?” Antonio asked. 

“Ludwig?” Elizabet asked.

“Oskar?” Francis asked. 

“No. Johann.” 

The three looked at Gilbert all in some level of shock. 

“There’s no way,” Elizabet said. “He’s not that stupid.” 

“He’s drinking, Eliza.” Antonio sighed. 

Gilbert was about to open his mouth when Francis kicked him in the shin. 

Roderich stumbled into the kitchen and gave Gilbert a kiss on the head, knocking his knee. Gilbert froze, but Roderich didn’t seem to notice. He gave Elizabet a kiss on the cheek before pausing and looking around the table. 

“I woke up at the piano with a blanket, but I went to bed with you didn’t I?” He asked Gilbert. 

“You weren’t in bed when I woke up.” Gilbert said softly. 

“But I went to bed with you, right?” 

“Uhm yeah? Don’t you remember?” He had never seen Roderich drink to the point of forgetting before. 

He shook his head a little too much and swayed a little, catching his balance on the back of Elizabet’s chair. “Were they here when I went to bed?” 

“No, we came this morning.” Antonio said with a smile.

“You gave me the blanket,’ he said. “Thanks.” 

“For you? Anything.” 

Roderich smiled and turned to the counter where he saw his tobacco pouch and the empty bottle of whiskey. He stared at it for a moment as if last night was coming back to him. “Where’s the Everclear?” 

“How do you-” Gilbert started. 

“I can taste it. Where is it?” 

“Antonio put it back up. You fell asleep with it.” 

Roderich nodded and grabbed the bottle from the cabinet. Gilbert shrunk in his seat mapping out quick exits. He struggled with the lid before giving up and smashing the bottleneck off against the sink with his palm. Gilbert flinched. 

“Roderich Leopold Edelstein what are you doing?” Elizabet asked.

“Gilbert doesn’t do vodka, and I drank it, even though I promised myself I wouldn't,” He said, pouring the vodka down the sink, he didn’t seem to notice the blood on his hand. 

“I hate to bring up the obvious, but Roderich, your hand is bleeding.” Francis said gently. 

Roderich looked down at his palm and raised his eyebrows. 

“Are you drunk?” Elizabet asked. 

Roderich shrugged and wrapped a dish towel around his hand. His phone buzzed in his back pocket. He pulled it out with his free hand and read the text. 

_ Be ready in 15. I’m buying breakfast. _

Roderich paled and looked at Gilbert. “I have to go.” 

“Who? Where are you going?” 

“Anna!” He lied. “We made plans and I forgot.” 

Gilbert nodded and looked at his coffee. 

“You don’t mind, do you?” 

“No, go ahead.” 

Roderich smiled and kissed his cheek before rushing up the stairs. 

“I hate him.” He grumbled. 

“Who? Roderich?” Francis asked. 

“No,” he sighed. “Johann.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christoph-Hesse  
> Oskar-Saxony
> 
> Everclear is a stupid strong vodka which is why Roderich has it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Y'all know what I'm going to say, but seriously, mental health over fics any day.   
> Fair warning, theres a lot of references to drug and alcohol abuse as well as forced prostitution etc.

They waited for Roderich to leave before continuing their conversation. Johann had pulled up in a black BMW and whisked Roderich off towards Vienna. Roderich took his phone with him--at least Gilbert could find him if needed. 

“So…” Francis started. “Johann.” 

“I don’t understand why he lied.” Elizabet said, a sad look sitting heavy on her face. 

“He doesn’t want anyone to worry,” Gilbert sighed. “I think he already thinks I’m freaked out, which I am, but not for the reason he thinks, you know?” 

They nodded, whether or not they understood him, Gilbert didn’t care. 

“What happened?” Antonio asked. “How did this start?” 

Gilbert took a deep breath and told them about the text messages Roderich had been receiving, doing his best to remember exactly what they said. A chill ran down Francis’ spine. How anyone who claimed to love anyone could send those texts he didn’t know. Antonio shifted in his seat while Elizabet paled; she remembered all the trauma Johann had inflicted--to her this was just another bullet point in a long list of ways he had wronged Roderich. None of them said a word. Gilbert told them about the farmer’s market and how Roderich had seemingly wandered off and stumbled across Johann, who said something to cause Roderich to isolate himself in panic. He told them about the panic attack and how Roderich was acting like he would hurt him if he did something wrong. 

“I mean, he was constantly apologising. It broke my heart.” He paused for a moment and looked around the table. Francis and Elizabet looked like they were going to cry while Antonio simply looked angry. 

“Once he fell asleep I broke down. He was curled up in a tiny ball, like he was trying to hide from the world, and I just,” tears rolled down his cheeks. “I just realised there’s so much I don’t know because I was separated from everyone, but even Felix knows more than me,” He didn’t know why Felix knowing more made him so angry. “It’s not like he wasn’t behind that wall too, you know.” 

Francis sighed and wiped his cheeks. “Roderich and Felix, they went through a lot together in a very short amount of time. They trust each other, not because they wanted to, but because they had to.” 

Elizabet nodded in agreement. 

“What happened to him while I was gone?” 

Francis looked between Elizabet and Antonio, neither of whom looked as though they wanted to talk, and rolled his eyes. “Oh my god,” he groaned. “After the wall went up and Roderich was free to do his own thing, he packed up and moved to the States. Alfred set him up in an apartment and kept an eye on him. I heard he would go up to Vermont pretty frequently, like he would just up and leave for a few weeks at a time. It was like he was looking for something-” 

“Or someone.” Elizabet interrupted.

“Yes, or someone,” Francis continued, shooting Elizabet a sharp glare. “Anyway, around the time Vietnam started, Roderich just upped and left. As Alfred tells it, he was in D.C. more frequently and couldn’t keep an eye on him, and one weekend he went back to New York and he was gone--it was like he was never there in the first place.

‘Roderich showed up again in Salzburg a few months later looking like shit. Felix says he had been wandering, not lost, just moving from town to town city to city like he had no intention of returning to Austria. I don’t know what he was looking for, but when he showed back up, he just went back to work as if nothing had ever happened to him. So we all thought ‘okay, he’s going to be fine’ and when I say we were wrong, I mean we were  _ wrong _ . 

‘Roderich started acting strangely shortly after. I don’t know how to explain it. He was jumpy, like he was being followed or something. After a year, maybe two, he just stopped looking over his shoulder, but he was still jumpy. Loud noises and people yelling would startle him. Like more of a ‘please don’t hurt me’ kind of jumpy. Then one day Johann and Roderich were dating. It was weird, because they hated each other, you know? But even early on, there was something wrong there, but we couldn’t do anything about it because Roderich would defend him until he turned purple in the face. He said everything was fine and that they were in love and Johann cared about him and he was wrong to want him dead--I actually think the exact words were dead at the bottom of the ocean. Their relationship wasn’t healthy and things got bad quickly. I don’t want to overshare because it’s neither my place to do so, nor is it a period of Roderich’s like that I particularly enjoy thinking about. 

‘Roderich started to come to meetings with bruises on his face and wrists, and cuts on his nose and mouth. He stopped smiling. He stopped laughing. He stopped talking. That’s when I really started to worry. Then one day, Johann started showing up to meetings with Roderich, talking for him, negotiating on his behalf, like he wasn’t allowed to speak unless Johann gave him permission, and then one day, it was like Roderich didn’t exist and Johann was effectively Austria. When we did see Roderich, he was skinny and pale, like a ghost. I can’t tell you the number of times I tried to give Roderich a way out and he wouldn’t take it. One day Johann caught me and then the next thing I know they moved back to New York City. I think that was around ‘84 maybe ‘85. Looking back on it, Roderich was out of it, I don’t know if he really knew what was going on around him.” 

“Drugs?” Gilbert asked, realising the weight of the question.

“Most likely. There were always rumours that Johann was dealing, and if that’s true then Roderich was most definitely using, so Johann probably took payment in other ways.” 

Gilbert nodded, combing his hand through his hair. He knew what Francis had been implying. 

“I don’t really know what happened in the US though. All I know is he came back one day, still high as a kite, but without Johann. Anna got him clean as far as we know, but then the suicide attempts started-” 

“Yeah, I know about those,” Gilbert said quickly. “He told me.” 

“He was pretty M.I.A. until the New Year’s Eve party,” Francis said. “You were there for that, though.” 

“Yeah, what a way to ring in 2000,” Elizabet sighed. “There’s nothing quite having you ex-husband drunkenly tell you he wished you never got divorced. Good times.” 

Antonio chuckled as if sharing some kind of inside joke with her. “He did the same to me.” 

She nodded and smiled. “At least I’m not the only one.”

“So what happened in New York?” Gilbert asked as silence lapsed over the table. 

Francis shrugged. 

Antonio looked around for a moment and ran a hand over his face. “I know. Lovi, he was in New York around the same time. He told me he’d run into Roderich a few times in Manhattan. The first time, he was in pretty bad shape. Lovi ran into him at a bodega midtown. Roderich was buying cigarettes and cheap alcohol. They talked for a while, Roderich said they were pretty comfortable in a nice apartment and that he was with Johann still. Lovi said Roderich was pretty shifty, like if Johann turned the corner and saw them talking he would be in trouble, so Lovi let him go after that. After that, he didn’t see him for maybe six or seven months. He ran into him again on Canal Street just outside Little Italy. He was smaller then. Weaker too. He didn’t get the chance to say anything to him because some man in a nice suit came by and took Roderich into an apartment building. He waited a while, I think Lovi thought he was working with the mob and was going to put an end to it before Roderich got too deep--he’s not fond of the mafia--but when Roderich came down it was without the man. His hair was a mess and he seemed shaken. Lovi tried to follow him, but he disappeared. He didn’t see him again for a few years until Wall Street. He was with some high up executive laughing and flirting, but he still looked bad. Lovi was about to approach him when Johann came out of nowhere and threatened him with a gun. He said something about either leaving them the fuck alone or joining their business and Lovi left. He didn’t see him again. They moved uptown and a few years later Lovi moved to Madrid.” 

“So Johann was selling Roderich off to the highest bidder?” Gilbert’s voice shook.

“Yeah,” Antonio closed his eyes. “Alfred has similar stories. He tried to save him, but Roderich didn’t want it.” 

Gilbert ground his teeth and looked around the table. Silent tears were streaming down Elizabet’s face, she had been behind the curtain as well, there was no way she could have known how bad it was.

“But no one knows how he left him?” That was bothering Gilbert. 

“Felix maybe,” Francis said. “Or you could ask Roderich.”

“He won’t say anything.” He grumbled. “It’s not fair.” 

“What isn’t, amigo?”

“The world has been so cruel to him and just when he was starting to look up, the universe put Johann in front of him again and fucked him over.”

Elizabet nodded solemnly in agreement. 

They sat in silence, mulling over what Johann had done to Roderich in the recent past. Gilbert went through everything he knew and could imply from the stories, building a case against Johann. They knew Johann was the cause of Roderich’s drug and alcohol abuse, he pimped Roderich out for money, he most certainly abused him physically, verbally, and sexually, and he was back for more. What they didn’t know is how Roderich got away and there was only one person in the world other than Roderich and Johann who might know, and he was the last person Gilbert wanted to call. 

“What now?” Antonio asked. 

“We call Felix,” Elizabet said, seemingly reading Gilbert’s mind. “And I’ll talk, I don’t want any arguments.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of abuse and forced prostitution as well as referenced suicide, but nothing graphic. Please put your mental health over a fic any and everyday. <3

Eliza dialled Felix, putting the phone on speaker, and placing it in the centre of the table. Gilbert drummed his fingers on the table listening to the phone ring through the small iPhone speaker.. 

“Łukasiewicz household, how can I help you?” Tolys answered. 

“Tolys?” Gilbert asked. 

“Yeah, who else Gilbert?” 

“I don’t know… I was kind of expecting Felix. Are you two-” 

“Yes, what’s it to you? I missed him,” Tolys said, cutting Gilbert off. “Do you need something?” 

“We-I need to talk to Felix,” Gilbert said. “About Roderich… Oh, and tell him it’s Elizabet, not me. He won’t talk to me.” 

“I see. Give me a moment.” Tolys set the phone down on the table. From the other end of the line they could hear a muffled conversation ending in a loud stomp and Felix answering the phone. 

“This is Felix,” He said, sounding unimpressed. “What do you want?”

Francis, Antonio, and Gilbert all looked at Elizabet expectantly. “Oh yes, I’m calling about Roderich.” She said. 

“Elizabet?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Did he do something?” He asked, trying to mask the panic in his voice. “Is he okay?” 

“He didn’t do something, but he’s not okay. He’s pretty shaken up at the moment.” 

“Did Gilbert do something to him, because I swear if he did, I will personally send him to hell. I don’t care what Roderich says he did or didn’t do. The last time he vouched for someone’s character he was dating, he was forced into prostitution to pay off nonexist and arbitrary debts, and was abused for more than a decade.”

Gilbert opened his mouth to argue, but Elizabet kicked him in the shin. He would  _ never _ do anything that would intentionally put Roderich in danger, let alone hurt him. The fact Felix didn’t trust him hurt. He had never really felt for someone the way he did Roderich before but he knew Roderich was his person.

“No, God no, he didn’t do anything,” she said quickly. “He’s worried about him.”

Felix let out a shaky breath. “So, like, what’s happening?” 

“Johann is talking to Roderich again. Gilbert says he read some texts from him and they were,” she paused, trying to find the word. “Well let's just say they fall in line with what Roderich’s told us. They’re pretty manipulative and they seem to have Roderich pretty scared.” 

“But like, Johann isn’t supposed to have his number, right?”

“No, he’s not, but trust me it gets worse,” she said. “Gilbert and Roderich went out yesterday and Roderich wandered off and Johann was conveniently waiting at a cafe to talk to Roderich. Gilbert found them talking over coffee, but apparently Roderich looked like he was going to be sick.” 

“Is he there?” 

“No, he said he’s out with Anna, but you and I both know that’s bullshit.”

Felix hummed in agreement. “So if he’s, like, out with Johann-” 

“Then there’s no telling what’s going to happen to him. We just have to put it in good faith that he’ll come home and not disappear.” 

Gilbert looked around the table. Antonio had, at some point in their conversation, stood up, and was pacing, glaring at the phone every so often. Francis’s eyes were closed and his knees were curled up to his chest with his slightly green cheek resting on them. Elizabet’s hands were tangled in her hair, tugging every so often as she and Felix discussed whether or not to go after him--ultimately deciding they would put him in more danger if they did, and they could be wrong and could be with Anna, despite how unrealistic it sounded. 

“So you, like, went out of your way to call and tell me my friend is talking to the single person who has fucked him over more than anyone else in the whole world? I’m in Warsaw, and it’s not exactly like I can come knock some sense into him.”

“No, no, we had a question.” Elizabet said. 

“We?” Felix asked, all of a sudden sounding uncomfortable. “There’s more than you?” He took a deep breath. “Bet, am I on speaker phone?” 

“Yes, is that okay?” 

“Who’s there with you?” 

“Just Francis,” she lied, silently warning Gilbert and Antonio to keep their mouths shut. 

“Oh, yeah, that’s fine, I’m okay.” 

They could hear Tolys snort from the other end of the line, causing Gilbert to bite his hand to stay silent. They hadn’t spent an awful lot of time together while living with Ivan, however, he had learned to interpret Tolys’ various facial expressions, and he could only imagine the look he had on his face when Felix said he was okay when he so clearly was not. 

“Shut up, Tol.” Felix snapped. 

“I said nothing.” Tolys said, his voice more muffled by distance. 

“You snorted.”

Tolys said something unintelligible on the other end of the line, starting an argument.

“Felix,” Elizabet said, trying to get his attention. “Can you answer our question or not?”

“What did you want to know?” Felix asked, his attention returning to their conversation. 

“Do you know anything about Roderich leaving Johann? How it happened? What made him want to leave? Did he have help?” Elizabet asked. 

“Oh, he, like, left a note saying he was done and not to, like, contact him anymore. I don’t know what made him snap, but Bet, he went through a lot with Johann before deciding to leave, so whatever it was, it had to have been, like, super cruel,” Felix said. “As for help, I heard rumours of Christoph coming to his rescue, but, like, they’re rumours, so…”

“So what you’re saying is ask Roderich?”

“No, god no, ask Christoph. Duh.”

“Right, well, I’ll let you get on with your day. I’ll text Christoph and see what he says. Thanks for your help, and sorry for freaking you out.” 

“No, you’re, like, totally fine. I haven’t heard from Rick in a few weeks and I was starting to think he, like, did something, so I appreciate the update,” Felix said. “And you’re welcome. Sorry I don’t know more.” 

“It’s alright, I’m just trying to piece things together to help Gilbert help Roderich.” 

“Ah yes, Gilbert. He told me they were, like, dating or whatever.”

“You don’t like it?”

“I’m not thrilled. We’ve never really gotten along, and I don’t care what Tolys says about him.” 

Gilbert pursed his lips and looked at the table. He understood, he really did, but sometimes he wished Felix could try to move forward like Tolys had. 

“Don’t tell Roderich that. He really likes Gilbert, and he doesn’t need anyone telling him otherwise right now.” 

“Well duh.” Felix said. 

“Alright, nice talking to you.”

“Yeah, you too. Catch you later.” 

Before Elizabet could respond, Felix hung up the phone. 

“Did that accomplish anything?” Antonio snapped, turning on his heel so quickly he almost fell.

“Not as much as I hoped, but if Roderich had help leaving Johann, then Gilbert, you know who you need to talk to.” Elizabet said, pocketing her phone.

Gilbert nodded, pulling out his phone to text Christoph, asking whether or not he helped Roderich leave Johann.

“He’s so goddamn secretive. He knows if he said something we could help him, no? Why does he torture himself?”

“He’s scared,” Francis cleared his throat. “He believes if he says anything then Johann will find out and kill him. Toni, he was in a relationship where he wasn’t allowed to have friends, opinions, independence. He wasn’t allowed to have an identity. He was controlled and abused and manipulated into thinking Johann was fixing him. I have no doubt there’s a part of his mind that still believes that he needs to be fixed to be loved. It was incredibly easy for Johann to get into his head. What do you think he used-- _ who _ do you think he used to convince Roderich that no one loved him except him?”

“Us?” Antonio was outraged at the thought of Johann convincing Roderich that Antonio didn’t love him. “He used us to hurt him? He convinced him that we… that I didn’t love him and I left him because…”

“Because he needed to be obedient.” Francis said, looking up at Antonio. 

“And he believed it?”

“Roderich was in a dark place. It’s easy to exploit that for personal gain.”

Rage boiled in Antonio’s stomach. How dare Johann takeaway Roderich’s sense of family. “Why?”

“Because he believes Roderich belongs to him. His land, his empire, his people, everything Roderich has, he believes is his. Everything Roderich has can be owed to him, and he wants to collect.” Gilbert said, waiting for Christoph to respond. 

Antonio looked at him in shock. 

“How do you know that?” Elizabet asked. 

“He told me yesterday morning. He was thinking about when we were young and went to the beach. He made some comment about you and me craving adventure and being so innocent while he wasn’t.”

“But what does that have to do with Johann thinking of him as a possession?” Antonio asked. 

“He said something about how Johann helped him build a duchy that could be controlled by Bavaria, and it was, until it grew bigger. He said he stabbed him in the back, but I get the feeling that Roderich just outgrew him and moved on. I don’t know if that’s what really happened between them, but Roderich says he has to trust what he’s been told by Johann, so there’s a good chance Johann did everything and blamed it on Roderich.”

“Jesus,” Antonio sat back down. “He never said anything about that. I always sort of wondered how he got where he is.” 

“I don’t think anyone knows,” Elizabet said. “I didn’t.”

Gilbert opened his mouth to say something when his phone buzzed with a message from Christoph.

_ No, I wish I could say I did, but he just upped and left one day and disappeared for a good three years.  _

He typed a quick thanks and sighed. “Christoph said he didn’t help. Is it possible Roderich just left?”

“I think we have to ask him.” Francis sighed. “Which, at the moment, is a horrible idea.”

“So what now?” Antonio asked. 

Gilbert scratched his chin, thinking when he heard the door open and close with a loud bang. He glanced down at his watch, realising just how long they had been talking. He stood and looked out into the living room, spotting Roderich curled up on the couch, his face buried in the couch cushions.

“Go to him,” Francis whispered. “We’ll stay in here.”

Gilbert nodded and left, knocking on the doorframe gently, not wanting to frighten Roderich. Roderich’s head snapped up and he looked at him with wide eyes for just a moment before trying to relax. 

“Hey, did you have fun with Anna?” Gilbert asked, sitting next to him. 

Roderich shrugged, staring off into the distance. It was clear to Gilbert that he wasn’t all there. Roderich looked both exhausted and overwhelmed, not to mention a little hungover. 

“I missed you.” Gilbert said softly.

“I wish you came.” Roderich attempted to smile, but it looked like a grimace. The left side of his face stung as a large, fist sized bruise blossomed across his cheek. 

“So I could protect you from Johann?” He hadn’t meant to come straight out and insinuate that he knew he had been lied to, but he couldn’t help himself. 

Roderich stiffened, refusing to look at Gilbert. “I was with Anna, I told you.” 

“Please don’t lie to me.” 

Roderich straightened in anticipation. What he was waiting for he didn’t know. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Don’t hate me.” 

“Why would I hate you?”

“Because…” Roderich couldn’t think of anything. He stole a glance at Gilbert. That was enough for him to see the bruise on his face. 

“Roderich, what the hell happened?” 

He stared at the floor. He wanted to lie and say he walked into a pole or he was elbowed in a crowd, but Gilbert told him not to lie. He needed to be more obedient or he’d leave him. 

“I just want to know what happened. Did he hit you?”

Roderich nodded, his face blank. “I tried to run… he didn’t like that. I deserved it, though.” 

“Why did you try to run?” 

“He was going to take me away. I don’t want to go back there. I can’t,” a wave of anger crashed over Roderich. “I’d sooner kill myself than go back. ” His nails sank deep into his arms, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“You don’t have to go back there,” Gilbert wanted nothing more than to cup his face and kiss away his pain. “You don’t have to…” He stopped, looking down at Roderich’s arm. “Hey, stop that.” 

Roderich squeezed tighter before pulling his hand back, the tips of his fingers were covered in blood. He looked at his hands and over at Gilbert as if he were in trouble. 

“You don’t need to hurt yourself,” he lay his hand palm up on his knee--an open invitation for Roderich to take it and squeeze as hard as he needed. “You never have to punish yourself again. You’re safe here, with me. I’m going to protect you from him.” 

Roderich shook his head but took his hand anyway. “He’s watching me. One day he’ll get me and I’ll  _ never _ be able to escape. He’ll chain me up or something,” he began to panic. “I’ll never get away from him. I can’t get away. How could I think I could leave? He’s right…” he began to hyperventilate, hypothetical scenarios of what Johann was capable of ran through his head. 

Gilbert did his best to calm him down to no avail. The best thing he could do, he realised, was just sit there and wait out Roderich’s panic attack. He continued to whisper sweet nothings and promises of his safety until he eventually calmed down. He glanced over at the door and saw Antonio, who was watching the pair with a concerned look. Gilbert gave him a small thumbs up and Antonio nodded, turning back to the kitchen. 

Roderich let go of his hand and curled into the corner of the couch. 

“Do you need something?”

Roderich nodded, looking at the kitchen as if he only just realised Francis, Elizabet, and Antonio were only a room over. 

“What can I do?”

“Help me, please.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW actual physical abuse, it's nothing graphic, but it happens once they roll up to the gas station, so you can skip over that, and PLEASE be mindful of your mental health.
> 
> UPDATE: I don’t know what happened but some chapters double uploaded. I’ve gone back and fixed it. So instead of 8 chapters so far it should be and is now 7. Sorry about that

Johann slammed his fist into the wall of his rented Floridsdorf apartment. Felix, he thought to himself. Of course it had to be Felix. He never quite learned to leave Roderich alone like the others had. He always had to step in and poison Roderich’s mind against him. Didn’t he know Roderich belonged to him? He growled, clenching his fists. He couldn’t just get rid of Felix, however. He knew that, but he needed to get Roderich alone with no way of escape. He owed him. Of course, Gilbert threw a wrench into his plans, with all his sweet words and gentle public displays of affection that Johann could never get Roderich to appreciate let alone reciprocate. He couldn’t wrap his head around them--they had had such a complicated past that he was sure he could use to his advantage, but now? 

“Come on, Johann, think.” He growled tapping his foot. He had never needed to think or work this hard to get to Roderich before and that concerned him. 

He mulled over his meeting with Roderich that morning, trying to think of anything Roderich may have given him to use against Gilbert but came up short. Thinking back on it, he had only started to sober up when he took him to the hospital to stitch up his hand. 

* * *

_Roderich slammed the car door shut, hiding the bloody gauze in his lap. Johann hardly looked at him except to make a comment about slamming the car door and how it would dent the door frame, as he sped off down the driveway and towards the inner city. It wasn’t until they stopped at a red light that Johann actually looked Roderich over._

_“You look like shit.”_

_“Yeah well…” Roderich’s words slurred together slightly._

_“And you’re already drunk. Roderich, it’s barely ten on a Thursday.”_

_Roderich shifted as far away from Johann as he could, wincing as he moved his hand. He had managed to remove some of the larger shards of glass from his hand but there were still several smaller shards that he either missed or couldn’t see remaining._

_Johann looked at his hand, raising an eyebrow. “What did you do?”_

_He shrugged, staring out the window, focusing on not throwing up._

_“Roderich,” his voice was dangerously even. “What did you do?” He turned off towards the hospital. Breakfast could wait._

_“Thought we were getting breakfast.” He mumbled, trying to change the subject._

_“What did you do!” Johann snapped, his knuckles white on the steering wheel._

_He ducked his head behind his arm, anticipating a hit that never came. “I broke a bottle with my hand.” He whispered._

_“I didn’t hear that. What did you say?”_

_Roderich lowered his arm slowly, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. “I broke the neck of a bottle of vodka with my hand.”_

_“Jesus Christ,” he muttered, pulling into the hospital parking lot. “Why would you do that? Were you too drunk to get the cap off?”_

_Roderich shrank back into his seat. “I messed up,” he whispered. “Gilbert, he doesn’t like the smell, and I had to get rid of it.”_

_“So he made you get rid of it?” Johann asked, turning into a parking spot and parking so he could look Roderich in the eye._

_“No, he-”_

_“He doesn’t like your drinking?” He placed a hand on Roderich’s leg._

_“N-no, it’s just vodka. There’s a good re-”_

_“But you like drinking vodka. You told me yourself.”_

_“No, I-”_

_“You do, you drank nearly a whole bottle of it last night.” Johann said with a smile._

_“Yeah, but…” Roderich frowned. “How did you-”_

_“I’d never make you drink certain things just because I can,” he lied._

_“It’s not like that.” He whispered, looking down at his lap._

_“Isn’t it?” Johann knew he successfully chipped away at Roderich’s trust in Gilbert. “He’s trying to control you. Change you, and if he does, he’s going to see who you really are and then leave you like everyone else.”_

_Roderich opened his mouth to try and fight back but Johann cut him off._

_“Come on,” he took the keys out of the ignition and stepped out of the car. “We’re going to go get that fixed.”_

* * *

Johann scrunched his face, he needed something more than a drunken accident to pull Roderich away from Gilbert. Everyone else was easy, a few clever words that could cut deeper than any knife and Roderich would pull away, convinced he was a burden, but then there was Gilbert who could seemingly fix everything. He needed to take Gilbert off the playing board. Not only did he need Roderich to pull away, he needed Gilbert to give up on him, and that was going to be the hardest part. He was too loyal to those he loved, he wouldn’t give up on Roderich that easily. Roderich would have to hurt him in some unimaginable way for Gilbert to even consider leaving him. 

Johann sat on the corner of the bed drumming his fingers on his thigh, considering any situation that would force Gilbert to leave Roderich. He could convince Roderich to cheat, he thought, but who would want that burden? He couldn’t as well cheat on Gilbert with him, Gilbert would be convinced he forced it and _that_ , if anything, would only ally Gilbert with Roderich. He needed to destroy whatever delicate relationship they had. Names of potential lovers ran through Johann’s head until one stood out: Ivan. 

It was perfect. Gilbert and Ivan hated each other and Roderich and Ivan had been friends for as long as anyone could remember. If there was one person who would sleep with Roderich while he was in a relationship, it was Ivan. He’d heard rumours of how Ivan treated those who lived in his house during the Cold War, and if they were true, Roderich sleeping with Ivan wouldn’t only destroy Gilbert’s trust in him, but hurt Gilbert so badly that he would probably never come to Roderich’s aid again. Plus, if he could make a little cash on the side, then even better. Roderich always made him good money. But that didn’t help him get closer to Roderich. He needed to be there to pick up the pieces when Gilbert eventually left him, and he had to make absolutely sure Roderich wouldn’t chase after him. 

“Back to square one, I guess.” He sighed. 

He thought about their morning: he picked Roderich up at ten, drove him to the hospital to put 20 sutures in the palm of his hand with strict instructions to keep hand movement to a minimum--Roderich looked miserable at that. The whole hospital visit took longer than Johann would have liked. First he had to convince them not to call Gilbert and that everything was perfectly okay, despite the fact that Roderich’s hand hadn’t stopped bleeding, then they had numb and clean the glass out of his hand, which took the greater part of half an hour because the anesthetic didn’t work the first few times, then they ordered an x-ray to make sure they hadn’t missed anything before sewing up his hand, which was harder than it should have been because Roderich was still drunk. They gave him healing instructions and told him to call them if he had a fever or signs of infection before handing him a tube of antibiotic cream and letting them leave nearly an hour and a half later. Next time, he’ll sew Roderich up himself, he decided. After that, the day went to shit.

* * *

_They left the hospital and drove to a small out of the way cafe in complete silence. Roderich looked out the window watching people going about their day, seemingly intent on ignoring Johann until they arrived at the cafe, all the while Johann glared out at the road in front of them, making the already gloomy weather seem even colder. Occasionally he shot a pointed glare at Roderich, who shrank deeper into his seat each time he felt his eyes on him. If he wanted to apologise for wasting their time at the hospital, he never did, which only annoyed Johann more. They could have eaten and been on their way by now, but of course, Roderich had to take precedence like he always did._

At least in the cafe he could get Roderich to talk, whether or not it had anything to do with the sight of two men eating breakfast in silence that made him uncomfortable or not Johann didn’t know or care. They were able to talk, which was all he needed. 

_They found a secluded table in the back of the cafe, far away from the door, and sat. The last thing Johann wanted was prying eyes and ears intruding on their conversation, and if Roderich decided to walk out on him, he would most likely do so while making a scene, and that was enough to make sure he stayed and listened to what he had to say._

_A pretty enough waitress stopped by their table and took their order. Johann ordered for the both of them--if he was expected to pay, then Roderich didn’t get a say in what he ate. Roderich shrank in his chair, if he was going to put up a fight and try to order for himself, he didn’t, but he seemed uncomfortable not having a choice, not that it mattered to him--he was going to make sure Roderich never had to make a hard choice again. He smiled sweetly at him, setting his hand palm up on the table for Roderich to hold, but his hands stayed firmly in his lap. He didn’t even look up at him. In any other situation, this behavior would have pleased Johann--seen but not heard--but today, when he was trying to win him back, it angered him. How could he be so obedient to Gilbert, but not to the man he was really in love with. How dare he, he thought, scanning the cafe for anyone familiar._

_Neither spoke until the waitress dropped off their coffee, the rest of their food would be out in a moment, she had told them. The kitchen was a little backed up. Roderich looked wearily at his coffee before taking a small sip and setting it back down--little did Johann know that would be the last time he touched his drink._

_“What have you been up to?” Roderich asked, trying to make conversation._

_“Oh, you know, a little of this and a little of that,” Johann supplied. “The brewery isn’t doing well at the moment, competition and such, but I’m sure it’ll bounce back eventually. The pet store is making money as well as usual despite-” Despite your absence went unsaid._

_Roderich shivered at the mention of his businesses. While the front of the brewery was, in fact, a brewery, and a good one at that, it was only a front for his drug business. The pet store, however, was only a euphemism for the prostitution ring Johann ran as a side hustle to pay for his drug debts._

_Their conversation lapsed into silence for a moment._

_“What about you, what have you been up to?” He asked. “You know, other than my brother.” His words were laced with venom._

_“I, uh,” Roderich thought for a moment, not having anticipated telling him what he was doing. “Composing and working, really.”_

_“You’re still doing that?” Johann scoffed._

_Roderich nodded, uncertain of the direction of this conversation._

_“You’re joking right? You seriously believe you’re good enough at music to compose anything decent? You can’t even feel anything, how could you possibly write anything good?”_

_Roderich shifted in his seat, looking down at the table._

_“You shouldn’t bother, really. No one is going to want to listen to you hammering away at a piano,” he said, his eyes as cold as ice. “I bet Gilbert tells you you’re good too. He wouldn’t know good music if it hit him across the face. He’s basically lying to you Roderich, telling you you’re good when he knows nothing.”_

_Roderich paled, taking everything Johann had to say about him to heart. He chewed on his lip, avoiding meeting his eyes._

_“Look at me.” He commanded._

_Roderich looked up, swallowing heavily._

_“I only want what’s best for you. You shouldn't be wasting your time with something that you aren’t good at. Focus on the things you are good at.”_

_Roderich nodded, glancing over at the waitress bringing their food._

_She set the plates down in front of them and asked if they needed anything. Johann said no with a sweet smile and sent her on her way to check her other tables. Johann liked her, she didn’t stick around, nor did she seem that interested in Roderich, ignoring him in favour of Johann. She could keep the change, he decided._

_Roderich picked up his fork, pushing his food around the plate, while Johann tucked in, glancing up at Roderich every so often, noticing nothing had disappeared from his plate._

_“Aren’t you going to eat?”_

_Roderich nodded and started picking things off the plate. Johann gave him a shallow smile and returned to his plate, which was half eaten._

* * *

The rest of their meal had gone quickly. They made some small talk, told stories from their childhood that were particularly happy, but again, Roderich gave him nothing he could use to really hurt Gilbert’s image. Sure, Roderich had wasted his money on a meal he didn’t finish, but he paid for that later in the car. He had given the waitress his number telling her if she wanted to make better money to contact him. She thanked him as they left. He hoped he had a new recruit. 

The waitress, in the grand scheme of things, didn’t matter to Johann all that much. What annoyed him was Roderich. He hardly spoke and when he did it was clearly what he thought he wanted to hear, he hardly ate or drank anything Johann bought him, he could hardly obey a single command he gave him, and they were all simple: hold my hand, talk, eat. He wondered if Gilbert found him this difficult, and if he did, why he hadn’t done anything about it. 

Johann had yelled at him while he was driving for so long he had to stop and get gas. 

* * *

_Johann pulled up to the gas pump and got out of the car, but not before telling Roderich to stay put while he got a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Roderich nodded, watching Johann fill the tank before entering the gas station before pulling down the mirror to check if Johann had left a mark. His cheek was red and starting to bruise around the outside, a testament to both how hard he had been hit and how long they had been driving for. If he had to guess, they were at least 15 minutes outside of Vienna on top of what felt like hours of driving around the city listening to Johann shout at him for wasting his hard earned money. He shut the mirror and watched Johann, waiting for him to turn his back to him. Once he did, Roderich opened the car door and stepped out. He took a deep breath and turned, when he heard a sharp yell._

_“What did I tell you?”_

_Roderich paled and spun back around to face Johann, who was coming in hot._

_“Did I, or did I not tell you to stay in the fucking car!” He shouted in his face._

_Roderich flinched and looked down, wringing his wrist with his uninjured hand. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I just…”_

_“You just what?” He growled. “Thought you could fucking leave me again?” He manhandled him back into the car._

_“No…” he protested weakly._

_“Disobedience is a sin, Roderich.” The sound of skin hitting skin echoed through the empty gas station._

_Roderich whimpered, trying to pull away from Johann, but the grip on his shirt wouldn’t budge. He struggled against him, but he was quickly overpowered. Johann forced the door shut and walked around to the driver’s side, sliding into the seat as if he hadn’t just slapped Roderich across the face._

_Roderich turned and tried to get out of the car again, but Johann yanked him back and punched him in the jaw. Roderich shrank back and looked at his lap, as if he made himself seem any bigger he’d get hit again. Johann locked the doors and put the key in the ignition before turning back to him._

_“That’s better,” he said with a smile. “Next time you’ll remember people like you better when you’re obedient, Roderich.” He turned the keys and sped off towards the city centre. How they got that far out of Vienna, Johann wasn’t sure._

_They sat in silence for most of the drive back to the city, the only noise coming from the car as Johann changed gears and the occasional sniffle from Roderich._

_“Stop that,” Johann snapped. “No one fucking cares.”_

_Roderich tried to be completely silent after that._

_“You know, Gilbert only stays with you because you’re a good fuck. He doesn’t care about you in the slightest.” Johann started._

_Roderich swallowed, refusing to look up at him._

_“He thinks you’re pathetic and easy. He isn’t wrong, you throw yourself at anyone who shows you any sort of kindness and then they leave you because they see who you really are: a monster. Gilbert’s just too stupid to realise, but he will. He’ll leave you too. Everyone does, except for me.”_

_Roderich worried the inside of his lip, forcing himself to not cry._

_“He just pities you. Poor, lonely, pathetic Roderich.” He pulled into a parking garage. “He hates you. You’ve trapped him in the only country in the world that he truly hates and you’re too much of a narcissist to let him go.”_

_Johann waited for a response, but when he didn’t get one, he turned the car off and got out. “Get out. I have some shopping to get done.”_

* * *

They went shopping after that. Roderich trailed behind, checking his phone every so often, only putting it away when he told him to. At least he was more obedient, he thought. Shopping in Vienna turned out to be boring as many of the stores were high end and nothing seemed to catch Roderich’s eye. How could he not understand that Johann wanted to buy him something nice? He sighed, flopping back on the mattress. The rest of their day had gone without incident, until Roderich told him he needed to leave to go meet Felix. He offered him a ride home, but he turned it down. He didn’t want to put him out of his way, nor did he want to be a burden. He didn’t fight him. He couldn’t let him know he was angry. Besides, if he took him up on the ride, who was to say he wouldn’t take Roderich back to his apartment and make preparations to return to Bavaria? He couldn’t wait to take Roderich back home to Munich with him. Bavaria was much better than Austria could ever dream of being.

He thought about Gilbert, balling his hands into fists. Gilbert didn’t deserve Roderich. He could never love him the way he did. He ran through their conversations again, thinking about every time Gilbert had been brought up. Roderich never defended him, maybe he knew Gilbert hated him and just needed a way out. He smiled to himself. Roderich would go home, lie to Gilbert about where he had been and what had happened, and he’d pull away from him. Now he needed to make sure Gilbert wouldn’t fight for Roderich, and for once, he knew exactly what to do. 

  


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is what no one wanted nor asked for, but I wanted to explore the way Johann thinks and really give his and Roderich's relationship more of a spotlight.  
> I also want to clear up: Johann cares about Roderich, but the way he goes about showing it is the most convoluted abusive backwards shit ever. 
> 
> But otherwise, how are y'all?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Usual warnings apply, please take care of yourselves. Mentions of past abuse.

“Help me,” Roderich whispered, suppressing a yawn. 

“Okay,” he whispered. “Do you want to talk about it now or later?” He secretly hoped he chose later, so he could at least think of some way to get him away and get rid of Johann at the same time. To him, Johann was a dead man walking. 

“Later,” Roderich said after a long pause. “Is that okay?” 

His voice was steeped in something Gilbert had never heard come from him before, nor could he place it either. It was like Roderich believed he gave the wrong answer. 

“Okay,” he said, making his voice as reassuring as possible. “We can talk about it later. Is there anything else I can do to help?” 

Roderich shook his head, bringing his knees to his chest. “I’m sorry.”

“Why, Schatz?” 

“Dragging you into this, talking to Johann in the first place, taking you away from your friends, for making you sad all the time. For refusing to move to Berlin. For scaring you this morning.” 

“You don’t need to apologise for any of that, Hase.” 

“But you should be happy, and with your friends.” Roderich’s grip around his legs tightened. 

“Roderich, look at me,” Gilbert said. “I wouldn’t be happy with them if I knew you were in here alone, trying to deal with-” he wanted to say hundreds of years of trauma, but couldn’t, Roderich couldn’t know he went behind his back. “Johann,” he decided. “I don’t care what he would have done or said, but I will _never_ leave you, especially when I know you need me.” 

Roderich nodded, refusing to meet his gaze. “Still shouldn’t have drank the vodka when I know the smell alone is enough to make you anxious.” 

“Everyone makes mistakes from time to time, Roderich. It’s allowed. What you shouldn’t have done was smash the bottle with the palm of your hand. You could have seriously hurt yourself.” 

Roderich shrank, hiding his hand from view. 

“Did you hurt yourself?” He asked, fully prepared to drag him to the hospital. “Roderich?” 

“It’s okay, it’s cleaned up and stitched.” 

Gilbert’s heart dropped to his feet. “Stitched?” 

Roderich nodded hesitantly. “Twenty stitches. He wasn’t happy about it… they took too long at the hospital.” His eyes grew distant and foggy as his body began to tense. 

“Hey,” he said gently. “We don’t have to talk about it.” 

He nodded, staring at the table in front of them. 

“What can I do for you right now?” He asked. “Do you want space, do you want me to stay in here with you? We can go to the kitchen or everyone can come in here. It’s up to you.” 

Roderich shrugged, trying to pass the decision off to him.

“Roderich, what would you like to do?” 

“Kitchen’s fine.” He said weakly. 

Gilbert smiled, standing. He offered him his hand. Roderich took it and followed him into the kitchen. He scanned the room, taking a seat in the corner away from direct view of the windows. Gilbert sat next to him, keeping their intertwined hands under the table. Now wasn’t the time to show off their relationship. Francis sat across from them staring at his phone to avoid staring at Roderich. Occasionally, his phone would buzz, and he’d roll his eyes before responding, snapping every so often trying to remember a word. Elizabet’s back was turned to them, a plate of sandwiches forgotten on the countertop next to her. Her shoulders shook gently. Letting go of Gilbert’s hand, Roderich approached her slowly and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head over her shoulder. 

“Please don’t cry, Bärchen.” He whispered in her ear. 

“I’m not,” she sniffed, wiping her eyes. “Really.” 

“Lizzy…” He turned her to face him. “I’m okay.” He wasn’t, but she didn’t need to know that.

She shook her head, burying it under his chin. He kissed the top of her head and stroked her back. She needed him, it didn’t matter how fucked up he felt, he pushed it all down and did his best to comfort her. 

Gilbert watched them from the table, a pang of jealousy settling in his chest. He’d never felt jealous of Antonio and Francis’s relationship with Roderich after their marriages ended, but Roderich and Elizabet were different. For a long time they came as a package deal, and even if there were alone, the other wasn’t far away. He pulled out his phone and texted Francis. 

**I forgot how jealous they make me…**

Francis snorted and typed a reply. 

_He loves her, but he’s in love with you. There’s a difference. No need to be jealous._

Gilbert rolled his eyes. 

**I know… I just…**

**I don’t fucking know.**

_Don’t know what?_

Gilbert looked up at Roderich, who was rocking them gently and whispering in her ear.

**What if he’s better off with her?**

_They’ve both moved on. Roddy has chosen you. As for Eliza, I know there’s a girl, but she won’t say more. Roderich will do many things, but cheating isn’t one of them. He’s been on the other end of a cheating scandal, he knows the pain. He’d never put anyone through that, besides, Eliza would never allow it._

**Who cheated on him?**

_Johann, many times. There were always rumours that Antonio and Arthur had a dalliance or two, but I doubt Roderich ever believed that._

Gilbert’s blood boiled. Johann was already on borrowed time, but he wouldn’t hesitate to knock Antonio down a peg either if he hurt Roderich. 

**Did he?**

_I’d like to think he didn’t, but if he did, as I said, it would have been Arthur, and that would devastate Roderich even now if it were to come out as true._

**If he did, I’ll kill him.**

_No you won’t, Roderich wouldn’t let you._

Apparently Roderich said something to make Elizabet laugh, because they were both chuckling quietly. Gilbert clenched his jaw, trying to force the jealousy away. He trusted Roderich, why was he so jealous?

**Where is Toni anyway?**

_Smoking._

Gilbert gave Francis a smug smile.

**I knew he couldn’t do it.**

_If Lovi finds out, he’s a dead man._

Gilbert snorted and pocketed his phone. Roderich and Elizabet separated, still laughing at some joke Roderich made, in their own world, oblivious to Francis and him. She nodded at him with a smile, and Roderich went outside to smoke. She turned to face them, catching the look Gilbert gave her. 

“Don’t be jealous. I have a girlfriend.” She sat at the table, placing the plate of sandwiches in the middle. “You saw the bruise too, right?” 

Francis nodded, shoving his phone in his back pocket. “What happened?” He had an idea, but he wanted to be right. 

“He tried to run away, so Johann hit him.” Gilbert scowled at the sandwiches in front of him. “He said Johann was going to take him away.” 

“Jesus Christ.” Elizabet took a sandwich from the plate. 

“What do we do?” Gilbert asked, following her lead.

“We go to the police,” Francis started. “Tell them everything: the drugs, the prostitution ring, the abuse, everything. They’ll take it from there.” 

“Don’t they need proof?” He asked. 

“Roderich can talk.” 

“No he won’t. He didn’t do it before, he won’t do it now,” Elizabet said. “He’s scared of what Johann will do to him, or us for that matter. Besides, what’s to say the police don’t lump him in with it? He doesn’t have clean hands in this either.” 

“But that was forced.” Gilbert said. 

“He still did it,” she sighed. “I say we get him out of Austria and somewhere Johann wouldn’t think to look. Get some distance between them and see if he’ll talk when he feels safer.” 

“Where do we go?” Gilbert asked. “Johann knows exactly where Rod would go.” 

“Then you pick,” Francis said. “Where’s the last place Johann would look for you two?” 

Gilbert thought for a moment. Anywhere in Austria or northern Germany was out of the question, so was Poland or anywhere in Western Europe. “Rosenheim, but it’s in Bavaria and that’s the last place Roderich would want to go. He’d be even more afraid than if we went to Salzburg.” 

“What about Vilnius or Riga?” Elizabet asked. “Or Tallinn? He wouldn’t dare leave what he knows, and he’d have to deal with Felix and Tolys.” 

“How do I even--” Gilbert was cut off by the sound of the back door opening and Antonio walking in, Roderich following closely behind. 

Slowly, Roderich took his seat in the corner in between Gilbert and Elizabet, Antonio taking the empty seat on the other side of Gilbert. He scrunched his nose at the overwhelming smell of cigarette smoke. 

“You owe me more wrappers.” Roderich said.

“It’s not my fault you don’t use filters. I had to improvise” Antonio retorted. “Unlike you, I don’t particularly enjoy burning tobacco in my lungs.” 

Roderich shot him a crooked smile, but said nothing more on the subject. 

They lapsed into an increasingly awkward silence. 

“So…” Francis said, tapping his foot. “Where did you go?” 

Roderich sat silently until he realised he was being spoken to. “Sorry?”

“Where did you go?” 

Roderich shifted in his chair and looked at the table in front of him. “The hospital for my hand, then a cafe, then shopping downtown.” 

“Did you get anything?” 

Roderich gave him a sardonic look. “Other than stitches and a bruise? No. I didn’t want anything from him.” 

Francis nodded seemingly unaffected by Roderich lashing out. “Well at least he took you to a hospital,” he started. “Did he bring you home?” 

“No, I walked.”

“From the inner city, alone?” 

“Yeah.” Roderich snapped. 

Gilbert placed a hand on his knee in an attempt to calm him down. 

“And Johann didn’t follow?” 

Roderich glanced out the window subconsciously. “I don’t think so.”

“What did you say?” Antonio asked. “To make him let you leave?” 

Roderich looked to Gilbert, searching for something no one really understood. Gilbert gave him a reassuring smile. He turned back to Antonio. 

“I lied,” he said. “I told him Felix and Tolys were here, and I couldn’t keep them waiting. He let me go.” He knew he shouldn’t have lied to Johann and that it would eventually bite him in the ass, but he wanted more time with Gilbert before the inevitable happened. Red hot anger met empty despair and settled heavy on his chest. 

“Roderich?” Elizabet’s voice broke through the fog. 

He blinked, frowning. He’d missed a part of their conversation. “Pardon?”

“He just let you go?”

“Yeah, he’s uh… He’s afraid of Felix and Tolys. Never knew why.” 

“Is that a joke?” Antonio asked. “I mean Tolys I get, but Felix?”

“Felix can be terrifying when he needs to be.” He snapped. He knew his anger was misplaced, but he couldn’t quite bring himself to care. 

Antonio put his hands up in surrender and apologised. Roderich shrugged and leaned back in his chair. 

“Are you okay?” Gilbert whispered. 

“Fine.” He hissed. Not even a moment later, he shot up from his chair. “I’m going to smoke.” 

“Good, I’ll join you.” Francis said.

“No, you won't.” Roderich said walking out the door. 

“No, I will be. We need to have a conversation.” He said, following him out the door. 

He closed it behind him, ignoring the harsh look Roderich sent his way as he sat at the table. He watched him roll a cigarette and light it before talking. 

“Gilbert knows,” Francis started. “About Johann. What he did to you, what he made you do. He knows all of it.”

Roderich froze mid drag and looked at him with wide eyes. “He was never meant to find out. What exactly does he know?”

“He knows about your recovery in New York City, and your trips to Vermont. He knows you just upped and left one day and came back to work with your head on a swivel. He knows Johann beat you, raped you, got you addicted to god knows what, dragged you back to the city, pimped you out to the Wall Street elite and mob men alike. He knows that Lovi and Alfred both tried to help you and you wouldn’t take it. He knows that one day you just said fuck it and left Johann and wandered Europe high as a kite, and that you decided to go to Anna to get clean, but when it became too much you tried to kill yourself repetitively. He knows everything.”

Roderich ran his hand through his hair. “How did he--Jesus shit. Christ Francis he was never meant to find out. Ever.” He crushed his cigarette into the ashtray, burning his fingers slightly. 

“Mon cher.”

“Don’t you dare 'mon cher' me. Jesus fucking Christ. He’s going to leave, and I don’t blame him.”

Francis’ heart broke for what felt like the thousandth time that day. “No, he won’t. We’re here because he called and said you needed help and he needed help helping you. He wants to help you. He loves you more than anyone. Trust him.” 

Roderich swallowed, looking up at the sky. A single bird flew overhead. “He won’t want to stay. I’m too much for him, especially now…”

“After Moscow? He’s healing, yes, but he’s never been a weak man. If he didn’t want to help you, he wouldn’t be here. Trust him, let him in, all the way.” 

Roderich shook his head. “No, those people always leave.”

“Have we? Because we’re all sitting in your kitchen right now.”

“Because Gilbert--”

“Because we’re worried about you,” Francis snapped. “The last time you spiralled like this…”

“I’m not going to kill myself. Don’t be dramatic.”

“You say that now, but about tonight when we’re all asleep? Or tomorrow, or the day after, or next week?”

Roderich stood, his chair scraping against the cobble stone patio. 

“Johann isn’t just going to go away, you know. You need to fucking do something about him.” Francis’ eyes welled with tears. 

“You don’t think I know that? I can’t do anything, Francis, except disappear and hope that he doesn’t go looking for me. You know how I got away from him in New York?” He didn’t notice the audience that had gathered at the open window, listening to their argument. “He sent me to one of his friend’s houses uptown, he didn’t have time to make a night of it because his daughter had a piano recital and his wife was going to be there, so I blew him in the back of the car on the way to the school, and when we arrived, he gave me the money and a message for Johann. I wasn’t supposed to come home that night, and if I did it had to be after midnight, or he wouldn’t believe I went even with cash in hand. I got on the subway and took it to Grand Central Station, where I sat and watched people rush by for hours until it occurred to me that I could just disappear. 

“I bought an envelope and some paper and left him a note saying I was done. I passed along the message from his friend, put seventy percent of the cash in saying he refused to pay the full amount because it was just a quickie in the car, and sealed it with his address on the front. I paid for a locker with some of the cash, because if you don’t come back after so many weeks, then they open it, and I figured, hey, head start, and I bought a train ticket to New Haven, where I switched lines and got on a train Burlington. A friend paid for me to get home. She believed I belonged in Austria. 

“It was a fluke, Francis. I never would have left otherwise. I shouldn't have left. Johann killed him because he believed he helped me. It was a warning, and now, he’s come back for me, and I can’t do anything to stop it. And this time? I’ve put Gilbert in danger. It’s my fault, I have to pay for my mistakes.”

Before Francis could say a word, Roderich went back inside, brushing past everyone, heading upstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VON TRAPPS!!!
> 
> Translation corner:   
> Hase- rabbit   
> Bärchen- little bear  
> Schatz- treasure/sweetheart, whichever you prefer  
> Mon Cher- my dear
> 
> I'll give you three guesses at who Eliza's girlfriend is (definitely not because idk who)


	9. Chapter 9

Roderich slammed the bathroom door and stared at himself in the mirror. The man staring back was someone he hadn’t seen in a long time. The bruise on his face had become a violent purple and a few scrapes near his eyes he hadn’t noticed before were glaring at him. His eyes were dark and sunken from countless sleepless nights spent waiting for something that never came. His hair had grown out and his cheekbones became more prominent. He poked at the bruise, shifting slightly in pain, before running a hand through his already messy hair, pulling harshly on the back of his head. He hissed in pain, turning his back to the mirror. He couldn’t stand to look at himself any longer. He wanted to scream or shout, but he couldn’t--he couldn’t bring more attention to himself. 

He walked into the bedroom he shared with Gilbert and looked around for something he could use to escape the all too familiar fear that settled in the back of his throat. Finding nothing, he growled and flung the window open. He looked down at the empty patio with a smile and sat in the window, his legs dangling over the side of the house. If anyone were to come out and see him, they’d assume the worst. Roderich looked out into the tree line, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. It was the first real moment he’d had alone since he’d been with Johann, and all the feeling’s he’d bottled up for Gilbert and Elizabet’s sake bubbled over. He let out a choked sob, biting the back of his hand to keep quiet. The last thing he needed was someone to come check on him. 

He replayed the day over in his head, every mistake Johann would punish him for later were glaringly obvious to him, and the bruise from running away became the least of his worries. If he were lucky, Johann would kill him outright. If he were lucky, Johann wouldn’t bother targeting Gilbert, or anyone else he loved for that matter. The deeper he delved into what Johann would do to him, the more he trembled. His knuckles were white from how tight he was gripping the windowsill. He clenched his jaw to stop himself from crying. He was so deep in thought, he didn’t seem to hear someone walk into the bedroom until the last moment. 

His head whipped around, and he toppled backwards out of the window and onto the floor. He scrambled towards the gap between the bed and the wall, ducking his head under his arm. There wasn’t much protection, but at least he could try to get under the bed if he needed. 

“Hey,” Antonio said gently. “It’s just me, Roderich.” He sat on the ground, his back to the wall under the window. 

Roderich looked up, slowly lowering his arm. He refused to move from his spot, his body still shaking like a leaf. 

He looked around the room lazily before returning his gaze to Roderich. “It’s been a while since I’ve been in here, no?”

Roderich nodded, unsure of what was going on. 

“Gilbert’s downstairs, he wanted to come up, but I wanted a moment.” 

He nodded again, doing everything in his power to stop shaking. He tried to remind himself Antonio would never hurt him on purpose to no avail. 

“You’re safe,” he said gently, smiling at him, “I just want you to listen, okay? Then I’ll go get Gilbert if you’d like.” What Roderich nodded at, Antonio wasn’t sure, but he started. “I am _never_ going to let that monster near you again. I will do everything in my power to make sure he is never able to get to you. It kills me to know you’ve been dealing with him for so long,” he watched Roderich open his mouth. “Don’t argue, I know it’s been longer than you’ve said. Roderich, mi rey, mi amor, you don’t deserve anything he’s done to you. You are a bright star, no one can stop you from shining-” 

“Even the brightest stars stop shining one day.” He seemed to be looking through the wall into the distance. 

Antonio stared at him in shock before moving just a little too quickly to his side. Roderich flinched, crossing his arms over his chest protectively. 

“I’m sorry.” He whimpered, waiting for a blow that never came. 

“No, I’m sorry I frightened you,” Antonio whispered. “You have nothing to be sorry for…” He looked around the room again, all the empty bottles and empty packets of loose tobacco spilling out of the trash bin and onto the floor he’d once overlooked, were now impossible to miss. Had Gilbert even noticed? “Roderich, I know you told Francis you wouldn’t kill yourself, but I don’t know if I believe that’s the truth.” 

Roderich looked up at him, his purple eyes dulled to a near grey. 

“Roderich…” He whispered. 

“I’m not going to kill myself,” he whispered, staring back off into the distance. “But…” 

“But?”

“But…” He paused. “I don’t know.” 

“Have you been-” 

“I can’t leave Gilbert. He said firmly.

“Okay.” They sat in silence for a while before Antonio spoke again. “You’d tell me, right? If you were thinking of ending it?”

“Would you stop me?” Roderich asked. 

“Of course I would,” Antonio whispered, holding his hand open for him. “If anything to keep you alive for Gilbert’s sake.” 

Roderich smiled and took his hand. They sat in a kind of comfortable silence that only exists between two former lovers. Every so often, Antonio would absentmindedly stroke his thumb over Roderich’s knuckles. Roderich visibly relaxed, inching towards him. Antonio looked down at him with a knowing smile as he leaned into his side. 

“May I?” He asked.

Roderich nodded, ducking his head so Antonio could wrap an arm around his shoulders. He lay his head in the crook of his neck and sighed. 

“Johann never loved you, you know that right?” 

“He does, in his own way.” Roderich said after a long silence. 

“Roderich, people don’t sell the people they love. Good people don’t harm their significant others on purpose. Good people don’t force their significant others to--” 

“To what, Antonio? To kill people? To build them an empire? To do their dirty work for them? In case you haven’t noticed, Toni, we’re not normal people. None of us are normal people, we’ve lived too many lifetimes for that.” 

“Rod--” Antonio tried to stop him, but he was on a roll.

“Did it _ever_ occur to you that maybe he and I wanted the same things? That I wanted the power and the glory, and I didn’t care who I hurt in the process. Did it ever occur to you that maybe it was my idea, and he showed me how? Did you ever consider that I chose to do it because I wanted him to love me back?” 

“Did he love you?” Antonio asked, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible. The last thing Roderich needed was another person to yell at him and make him pull away. He couldn’t understand why Roderich was trying to convince him he was the cause of everything. “Because to me, it never seemed like he did.” 

Roderich sat in silence, unable to think of an answer. Johann loved him for building an empire for them, but love made way for resentment as Roderich outgrew him. He said he loved him in New York, but he wasn’t inclined to believe it whenever he spiraled into a white hot rage and left him for dead. But Johann always answered the phone, always told him what he needed to hear even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He always did his best to protect them when they were younger. He always showed up when everyone had bailed on him last minute when something came up. He always invited him to family functions, even though he never showed up until he started dating Gilbert. But Johann forced him into prostitution. Johann used him to run drugs in parts of town run by opposing gangs and businesses. Johann was the one who isolated him, who drove him to suicide, who haunted his nightmares, who convinced him he wasn’t good enough. He used him and threw him to the dogs when he was no longer important. 

Roderich let out a shaky breath, forcing back tears. 

“I’m here,” Antonio whispered. “You can cry. I won’t let anything happen to you.” 

He nodded, silent tears falling down his cheeks and onto Antonio’s shirt. Roderich felt tiny in his arms, all sharp angles and delicate bones. He pressed a kiss to the top of his head and closed his eyes, humming a simple four note tune as he stroked his arm. Roderich buried his face deeper into his chest, muffling harsh breaths and choked sobs into the fabric of his shirt. Antonio held him tighter, whispering soft nothings. 

“He said he loved me.” Roderich whimpered.

“I know.” Antonio said softly. 

“He said he loved me…” he repeated. “I loved him.”

“I know you did.”

“I _hate_ him, Toni. I never want to go back. I _never_ want to see him again!” 

“You don’t have to,” Antonio whispered. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” 

Roderich curled in on himself, sobbing. Somewhere behind him, far off into the distance, he could hear Antonio talking to someone, then the arm around his shoulders left and was replaced by another. He looked up slowly when the door clicked shut. 

“Hey darling,” Gilbert whispered. “What’s going on?” 

Roderich didn’t respond, rather, snuggling into his chest. Gilbert smiled, wrapping him up in his arms. 

“I love you,” Gilbert whispered in his ear. “I love you to the moon and back.” 

Roderich’s body shook from crying. “Please don’t leave.” 

Gilbert looked down at him in shock. “Why would I leave?” 

Roderich tried to tell him but couldn’t find the words. 

“Roderich, baby, I’m not going to leave you. I don’t care what Johann made you do. I don’t care whether or not you wanted to do anything. I don’t care that our history is so complicated that people don’t understand what the hell we’re doing. I love you. I’m not leaving when I know you need me and I’m sure as hell not leaving when we get through this.” 

Roderich looked up at him with wide eyes. 

“You and me baby, until you grow sick and tired of me.”

“I could never,” he whispered, laying his head back on his shoulder. “I love you.”

Gilbert smiled, kissing the top of his head. “Can we sit on the bed?” He asked after a long silence.

Roderich nodded but didn’t stand.

“Roderich?” Gilbert asked, quickly realising Roderich wasn’t following him.

Roderich snapped out of thought at the sound of his name. “Pardon?”

“Are you going to join me?”

“Oh,” he whispered, standing. “Yes, sorry.”

“It’s okay, you were somewhere else.”

Roderich curled up against his side, resting his head on Gilbert’s heart.

“Were you ever going to tell me what Johann did to you?” He whispered, carding his fingers through Roderich’s hair.

“I don’t know…” he whispered. “I guess we’ll never find out.”

“I’m sorry. I should never have—”

“No, you were worried, it’s okay.”

“Roderich, I should have talked to you, not our friends.”

Roderich looked up at him, cupping his cheek. “You were worried, I don’t blame you.”

“But—”

“Gilbert, I’m not angry with you.” He said firmly.

“Okay.”

Roderich settled back down against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He traced small circles on his chest, focusing on nothing in particular. He could feel his phone start to buzz in his back pocket but elected to ignore it. He didn’t feel like subjecting himself to whatever onslaught Johann deemed appropriate in that moment. Gilbert huffed and pulled his phone out.

“It’s Feliks.”

“What does he want?”

“To check in. Eliza called.”

“Tell them I’m sleeping, and I’ll call them back later.”

“Roderich—”

“Please? I just can’t right now.” Roderich whispered.

“Fine,” Gilbert sighed, responding to Feliks before turning off his phone. “Do you want to sleep?”

Roderich shook his head, curling closer to his chest.

“Okay… I think we need to get out of the house for a little while.” Gilbert whispered. He was sick of being in the house and wanted to go somewhere to see his boyfriend smile.

“Right now?”

“If you feel up to it.” 

“Where would we go?” 

“Up to you,” Gilbert said softly. “I doubt anyone would mind if we went out for a little while. Toni’s itching for a nap anyway.” 

He nodded slowly. “Okay, but we’re going to walk.” 

Gilbert smiled, kissing his forehead. “Do you need anything before we leave?” 

“Just change… and hide…” He gestured to his face.

Gilbert nodded, watching Roderich duck into the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh yeah, she's a short one... sorry


	10. Chapter 10

Gilbert and Roderich walked silently, hand in hand, towards the Schöner Brunnen fountain. A group of teenagers dashed past them with a frisbee in hand, shouting at each other in English. Roderich smiled at them as they ran by. He always loved the people who came to visit Vienna. Gilbert rolled his eyes and shook his head at the group, muttering something about Americans. Families with small children shuffled by, while couples stood tucked away among the trees and hedges. 

As they neared the fountain, the crowds thinned, and the hum of a busy tourist spot grew peaceful. Gilbert looked around, marvelling at the carefully manicured hedges. 

“Stunning…” he whispered, catching sight of a crisp white mausoleum surrounding a small fountain. He’d never, in all his years knowing Roderich, seen this part of the gardens. 

“The palace was named for the fountain,” Roderich said. “Kaiser Matthias… Maria Theresa commissioned the statue. Beyer, I believe, is the artist.” 

Gilbert nodded, following Roderich into the building. He was met with a marble nymph pouring water out of an ornate jar into a basin bellow. He looked around the room in awe of the carefully carved leaves and flowers that climbed up the wall towards the ceiling. 

“That fencing behind her… that wasn’t always there. I don’t really remember when it was added though,” Roderich said, cutting through the silence. “Probably to stop people like me from sneaking in after the gates were shut.” He added thoughtlessly.

Gilbert’s head snapped around to look at him. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth,” he said, staring at the nymph’s melancholy smile. “Don’t argue.”

Gilbert’s heart broke a little. 

“And don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m some emaciated puppy,” he snapped. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “What was unwarranted.”

Gilbert shook his head, picking up his hand again and kissing the back of it. The pair stood in silence, listening to the water from the fountain echo through the mausoleum. People passed by, seemingly ignoring the fountain and the two men inside. A cool breeze blew through, kicking up leaves in the corner of the mausoleum. Roderich shivered, pulling his coat closer to his chest, careful not to pull any stitches in his hand out. Gilbert stepped closer, wrapping an arm around his waist, pulling him closer. 

“2014.” Roderich said, after what felt like hours of silence. “That’s when Johann got my number. I called him, he talked me out of suicide that night. I was standing right here. He told me… he told me to wait until the morning, so I did. I called Anna the next morning, she said he saved my life… I think he just wanted me to wait… I don’t know why.”

“Roderich--” 

“After, when he called, I answered. He was sweet, nearly convinced me he’d changed, but he said something--I don’t remember what… about his business maybe… about my place in it--and I told him to go to hell… called me “an ungrateful, worthless whore and a waste of space”, but that didn’t stop me from calling him. That didn’t stop him from texting me…” he shrugged, staring far off into the distance. “He’s not always bad… truly he’s not. Misguided and angry, yes, but not evil. He has his own way of going about life… He likes fixing things. He cares and feels deeply, but, uh, his love language just so happens to be steeped in blood.”

“You’re not broken, Roderich, you never were.” Gilbert said, stepping in front of Roderich, forcing him to look in his eyes. 

“You’re funny, and sweet.”

“Roderich--” 

“Come on… let’s keep walking.”

Gilbert huffed but followed Roderich out of the mausoleum and back out into the gardens. Roderich wandered about, seemingly heading nowhere in particular. The crowds had begun to thin out as the sun began its descent in the sky. He glanced down at his watch and smiled, before turning towards the S-Bahn station. 

“Okay, where are we going, babe?”

“It’s a surprise.”

* * *

The pair were seated in a quiet booth away from the door, hidden behind a large palm tree. Around them, waiters shuffled by, all but blending into the clatter of dishes and the chatter from occupied tables. Gilbert looked around with a soft smile, Roderich was always the sentimental one between them. 

“You used to meet me here--almost always at this table.” He said with a grin, remembering the afternoons spent arguing about nearly everything while Trotsky explained the merits of Marxism and Loos designed his next great building. 

“I told you, a surprise,” he said softly, stirring his coffee absentmindedly, marvelling at how little had changed inside. 

“We were younger then, less afraid,” He said gently, sliding around the bend and pulling Roderich into his side. “Or at least I was…” 

“Are you calling me old?” 

“Never,” he grinned, kissing his cheek. “I’m just saying I was less afraid. Were you?” 

“Not until I lost everything, no, I wasn’t afraid, but now… Let’s not think about it.” 

Gilbert held him impossibly closer, relishing in being able to hold his boyfriend and no one so much as batted an eyelash. There was once a time when he wouldn’t have even let himself sit this close to Roderich in public in fear of scrutiny. 

“I love you so much, Roderich. Nothing will change that.” 

Roderich looked up at him with watery eyes. He didn’t know what he was expecting to hear, but hearing Gilbert say ‘I love you’ in public got him at the core. “I love you too.” 

Gilbert smiled, cupping his cheek. “May I?” 

Roderich nodded, wiping his eyes. 

Gilbert leaned down and kissed him softly. “I’m here.” 

“I know…” Roderich whispered. “I wish my stupid brain would know that.” 

“You were hurt, Roderich, healing takes time.” 

Roderich nodded silently. 

“You can take up space, you know. You don’t have to be strong for me, just because I’m healing too. I’m more than capable of handling what happened to you.”

He shook his head, looking away, mumbling something Gilbert couldn’t quite catch. Gilbert would never understand--he needed to prove he could have a relationship without making everything about him. 

“Roderich, you’re allowed to need things.”

He shook his head again.

“Roderich, look at me,” he said. “You’re allowed to take up space. I don’t care what Johann says you are, he’s wrong.”

“No, he’s not…” he whispered. “I’m a narcissist.”

“No, you’re anything but,” Gilbert said, cupping his cheek so he would look at him. “You do so much for me, for Eliza, Feliciano and Lovino, Ludwig, everyone without hesitation--” 

Roderich shrugged, looking down at his lap.

“Roderich, a narcissist wouldn’t worry that they’re a narcissist, they wouldn’t care. Did Johann say this to you?”

“All the time.” He said, his voice distant. 

“He’s wrong. He is, okay? If anything, he’s the narcissist.” 

Roderich shrugged again, unsure of what to believe. Somewhere in the back of his mind, a small, rational voice told him to listen to Gilbert and believe what he was saying, but a darker, gravelly voice drowned it out, telling him Gilbert was wrong, that he could never see who he really was because he believed he was the same person he’d written those letters to all those years ago, and that when he realised he was living a lie, he’d pack up and leave like everyone else. He shuddered, pulling back from Gilbert. 

“Roderich?” Gilbert asked, searching his face for some sort of unspoken answer to why he was pulling away. He placed his hand on his, waiting for his boyfriend to come back.

He looked out into the dining room, barely registering the weight of Gilbert’s hand on his, catching a glimpse of the portraits of Franz Joseph and his wife Elizabeth handing side by side on the wall. He took a deep breath, looking back at Gilbert with a weak smile. 

“She always knew…” 

“Who?” Gilbert asked, feeling a pang of jealousy at the bottom of his stomach. 

“Sisi,” he said, turning back to the portrait of Elizabeth. “She always knew I loved you. She used to watch me watch you. I don’t think I ever paid attention in those meetings, I was too busy committing the way you looked in uniform to memory, composing songs for you… about you, dreaming about sitting in cafes with you, talking about whatever you wanted, just so I could listen to your voice.” 

“But Eliza…” 

“I loved her with my whole heart, part of me still does, but I think she always knew. I don’t think it ever bothered her though. The way I love you and the way I love Lizzy are, and have always been, incredibly different. One does not negate the other, they both coexist… just like the two of you,” he smiled, turning back to Gilbert. “You really have always been there. You’re in every memory, every inside joke, every stupid argument. All the pain and heartbreak, and you were still there. You are still here. This was always meant to happen, wasn’t it? I could have saved myself a lot of trou--” He trailed off catching sight of a waiter carrying an apple strudel. “Oh.” 

“Oh?” He asked, trying to follow his line of sight, landing on the tray the waiter was carrying. “Oh.” 

“We could split one, if you’d like.” 

Gilbert nodded, beaming. “I’d love to.” 

They waited for their waitress to catch sight of their empty coffee cups and return to take their order. 

“Was darf es sonst noch sein?” The waitress asked, her German twinged with a slight American accent. 

“Ja, ich möchte ein Apfelstrudel, noch ein anderer Cappuccino, und ein Türkischer Kaffee bitte.” Roderich said with a kind smile.

“Zwei Gabeln!?” She asked, glancing at Gilbert.

“Bitte.”

She nodded and walked away. 

“American?” Gilbert asked, once he was sure she was out of earshot. 

“If I had to guess, probably.” 

Gilbert nodded, unable to come up with something to talk about. His head was still swimming from Roderich’s sudden change of mood. It was as if a switch went off in his head and he remembered he was allowed to be happy and free.

“Anyway, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble if I didn’t fight my heart.” 

“I’m not one to believe in fate anymore, but I do think some things are meant to happen to us at certain times, and now is finally our time.” 

He smiled softly and lay his head on Gilbert’s shoulder. “Better late than never, I suppose.” 

Gilbert hummed in response, while they waited for their coffee. 

Once the waitress dropped their coffee and apple strudel off at the table, their impromptu date went off without a hitch. They joked and laughed as they exchanged memories from the past and stories they were almost sure they hadn’t told the other yet. Roderich seemed almost like a completely different person than who sat down at the table when they arrived. He laughed and smiled so much it was as if he were glowing. His guard had been let down and all the freedom and joy Gilbert usually associated with Roderich came to front. They had a small argument about who would pay the tab, settling on Gilbert paying and Roderich paying for the next one, both knowing Gilbert would never allow Roderich to pay for dates.

They walked out of the cafe and down the street hand in hand, stopping at a nearby street corner. Roderich pulled his pouch out of his pocket and rolled a cigarette. 

“Shame we can’t smoke inside the cafe anymore.” 

Gilbert shot him an unimpressed look. “And you wonder why people call Austria the ashtray of Europe.” 

Roderich simply shrugged, taking a drag from his cigarette. “Could be worse… could be Europe’s playground.” 

“Some would consider you to be,” A gravelly voice said from behind them. “I thought you had guests.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Schöner Brunnen fountain is a small, white fountain on the grounds of the Schönbrunn Palace palace in Vienna. Schönbrunn Palace was the main summer residence for the Hapsburg family in Vienna, with beautiful gardens and fountains that surround the building. There is also a zoo and concerts are held there in the summer. 
> 
> Johann Wilhelm Beyer- a German sculptor and garden designer, who designed the majority of the Schönbrunn Palace gardens. 
> 
> Cafe Central is the name of the cafe Roderich takes Gilbert to. It was frequented by many scholars, theorists, and artists in the late 19th and early 20th centuries. 
> 
> GERMAN CORNER >:)
> 
> Was darf es sonst noch sein?- Is there anything else I can get you?
> 
> Ja, ich möchte ein Apfelstrudel, noch ein anderer Cappuccino, und ein Türkischer Kaffee bitte- Yes, I would like an apple strudel, another cappuccino and a Turkish coffee
> 
> Zwei Gabeln- two forks
> 
> Bitte- please


	11. Chapter 11

Roderich’s heart dropped to his stomach. He wanted to grab Gilbert and run, but he couldn’t. His feet were frozen in place. 

“Hello, Roderich,” Johann said with a smirk. “Gilbert.”

“What the fuck do you want?” Gilbert asked, taking a half step in front of Roderich. He hadn’t been there that morning to protect him, he’d be god damned if he didn’t now. 

“A coffee,” he said, tilting his head towards the cafe. “But since we’re here… Roderich, I thought I taught you it’s considered rude to leave company in favour of a meaningless date.”

“Feliks and Tolys had a long day. They’re back at the house taking a nap before dinner later,” Gilbert said, not giving Roderich a chance to respond. “They sent us out wanting some quiet… Tolys can’t sleep if the house is awake.”

Johann hummed, trying to catch Roderich’s eye. “Does he ever let you speak?”

Roderich opened his mouth before shutting it again, unsure of whether or not he was being tested. Maybe Johann would finally think Gilbert was good for him if he could just keep his mouth shut. Gilbert glanced back at him, giving a small nod. Whether he was giving him permission or reassurance, Gilbert had no idea, but if he had to hazard a guess, to Roderich, they were interchangeable. 

“Yes…” he whispered, his eyes focusing on nothing in particular. 

Johann’s brow furrowed, as he gave him a once over. Small things he hadn’t noticed that morning set alarms off in his head. Roderich’s belt had a new hole punched into the leather and his coat hung from his shoulders at an odd angle. His hair and eyes were dull, and his usual rosy cheeks and lips were a ghostly white. He caught a glimpse of a bruise peeking out near his eye and swallowed. There was no way Gilbert hadn’t noticed. He tried to take a step towards Roderich but was stopped by Gilbert taking a step forward.

“Roderich, I think you need to go see Anna.” Johann said gently. 

Roderich shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. Gilbert looked up at his brother, taken aback by his seemingly genuine concern. In his whole life, Gilbert could count on one hand the number of times he’d witnessed Johann exhibit any kind of love. 

“If anything, just to check in with her. Maybe go see Christoph too, let him know you’re still alive. It would do you some good to get away from the people who pretend to care about you.” 

He nodded, looking up at Johann. “Anna…” 

“Promise me you’ll think about it?” He couldn’t bear to watch Roderich fall apart from a distance.

Roderich nodded, reaching forward to take Gilbert’s hand, silently asking if they could leave. Gilbert gave his hand a squeeze, still glaring daggers at his older brother. From behind them, Roderich could hear a woman shout out Johann’s name. He glanced back, realising who had called his name--the waitress from that morning. He wanted to tell her to turn around and run but interfering with Johann’s business never ended well for him in the past, and he still needed to prove to Gilbert he could be obedient. 

Johann smiled and waved at her before turning back to Roderich and Gilbert. “I’ll be seeing you two around.”

The pair stood and watched Johann greet the waitress with a kiss on the cheek before guiding her into the cafe, a hand on the small of her back. 

“Roderich, what’s going to happen to her?” 

“If she’s lucky, nothing at all.”

“Roderich--”

“We can’t. Believe me, it’ll be worse for everyone if we get involved.” 

“But--”

“No. If you want to go save her, then by all means go. Just know Johann won’t hesitate,” He said, turning his back on the cafe. “It’s the first interview, it’s more of a date than anything. I doubt he’ll call her back, she already messed up.”

“Messed up? Messed up how?”

“She called attention to him on a busy street. People looked,” Roderich said. “We can check in on her tomorrow.”

“How?”

“She was the waitress Johann and I had this morning.”

“Oh…” Gilbert whispered, turning away from the cafe as well. 

“Let’s go home.”

Roderich hailed a taxi, too tired to even think about walking back to the house from the park. The pair rode in complete silence back to the house, neither daring to say a word about anything they had just witnessed. 

Gilbert stared out the window at the passing traffic. The sun had long since sunk below the city skyline, and streetlamps began to flicker to life. He didn’t understand any of the interaction between the pair and Johann. It felt a little too clandestine to be a happenstance meeting. He couldn’t shake the idea that Johann had been following them for some time before making his presence known. Occasionally he glanced over at Roderich, who looked as though he was asleep against his shoulder, but Gilbert knew better. The way Johann looked at Roderich gave him the chills, as if he were a hunter and Roderich was his prey. However, even more unnerving was how quickly Johann softened and how easy it was for Roderich to promise to call Anna.

The taxi coming to a halt outside a large gate pulled him from his thoughts. Roderich had already paid the man and opened the door for the both of them. Gilbert slid out of the cab and followed Roderich into the house, taking a deep breath before walking into the impending chaos of whatever Francis, Elizabet, and Antonio had got up to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's another short one... school in the era of covid is just a lot.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One very short Johann centric chapter for your consideration

Johann smiled sweetly at the waitress--Sabine he reminded himself. She was trusting--so much more than Roderich ever was. 

“Where are you from?” Sabine asked. “If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Bavaria,” he said. “A small town that no one’s heard of or cares to remember. You?”

“Klagenfurt. Köttmannsdorf really, but no one’s heard of it.” Sabine said, trying her best not to blush. “It’s, uh, a very small town.”

Johann nodded, giving a somewhat lopsided grin. “What brought you to Vienna?”

“It’s Vienna. Music, history… the night life isn’t half bad either.”

Johann nodded slowly. Roderich would like Sabine, they had quite a bit in common. Both came from a small town, though, Salzburg wasn’t that small anymore. 

“What about you? Why Vienna, and not, I don’t know, Munich or Berlin?” 

“A friend, actually. You met him earlier today. He always talked about how incredible Vienna is, and how much I’d like it,” he started, trying to weave the most convincing lie about his and Roderich’s relationship. “We met in Boston. He was studying music at Berklee, while I was at Boston College. He told me all about Vienna and the music, and all the concert halls he wanted to play in one day. I graduated a little before him and went back to Berlin, I didn’t like it all that much, so I went home to Rosenheim. I recently got back in touch with him, so now I’m here.” 

Sabine smiled. “I remember your friend… shy?”

“Unless he’s behind an instrument. Get him playing and gravity shifts.” If Roderich ever heard him speak like this, his head would explode. "He can be a little bit of a hermit, however. Outside of me I don't think he really has anyone. His parents aren't in the picture, neither are his siblings. He's successful, a little arrogant, but very loving if given the chance… sorry, I just worry about him."

“Don’t be,” she said softly. “He sounds wonderful. He’s lucky to have someone who cares about him as much as you do.”

“What about you, do you have anyone?”

“A younger sister. We share a flat in the city. My mother died when I was young and my father was never around. I look after her, you know? I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to her.” 

Johann nodded, deciding on the spot Sabine had too much contingency to be a part of the pet shop. 

"Your job now, how is that?” Johann found himself asking before he could stop himself. 

“Let’s just say I’ve had worse.” She said, looking at nowhere in particular. “If you know what I mean. Why?”

Before Johann could say anything, a waiter came by and dropped their coffee silently, giving Johann a moment to look around the cafe without bringing unwanted attention to himself. He nodded at the waiter, sending him on his way before looking back at Sabine. 

“I run a brewery in Rosenheim, popular, has some traction outside Bavaria. I was thinking of expanding, but I can’t always be in Vienna. I know you don’t really know me, but think about it.”

“I-I don’t know what to say.”

“Just think about it. I’m serious. I think you and I are quite similar, and it would be a hell of a lot better than what you’re doing right now.” 

“I’ll think about it.” She said, softly. “Could I take the day?”

“As long as you need. You have my number.”

Sabine nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. The pair lapsed into silence, both thinking about what Johann had offered. Johann mentally kicked himself for offering up a coveted position to a stranger, but all he could picture in his head were all the long winters he and Roderich scraped by after Gilbert kicked them out, doing any job he could get to ensure Roderich would have something to eat and somewhere warm to sleep, even if he was starving and freezing to allow it. He looked up at Sabine with a small smile. 

“What?” She asked. 

“Nothing,” he said. “You’re just incredible.” 

“You hardly know me.”

“I don’t need to, to see that you’re incredible.”

Sabine blushed into her coffee. “My sister is still working, you want to get out of here?”

Johann grinned, dropping more than enough to pay for their coffee on the table. He never shook the American habit of tipping after so many years in New York. “Let’s go.”

She took his hand and led him out of the cafe and down the street towards her apartment.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for self harm at the end of the chapter. It's nothing all too graphic, but as always, mental health is more important. For ref, if you wanna skip over it: it's after the break.

Francis’ head snapped up from where he was napping in the library when a loud bang carried through the house following a rather loud shout. He could head someone’s muffled voice trying to calm down whomever was in a fit of rage. Slowly he peaked out into the hallway, seeing no one, he followed the soft sound of voices to the kitchen, where Gilbert was cleaning what looked like the remnants of an empty bottle in the hallway. He stopped, crouching down to help him. 

“Roderich?” 

Gilbert nodded, shakily. “He’s never done that before.” He whispered. 

“What happened?” 

Gilbert shook his head, glancing over his shoulder. Francis could hear the voices, or rather voice clearly now. Antonio was telling Roderich off for scaring Gilbert and breaking bottles. 

“Gilbert, what happened?” 

He looked up at Francis, eyes foggy, hands shaking. 

“Gil?” He whispered, taking the small dustpan from his hands. 

“He threw bottles,” he whispered. “He’s never done that; I swear he hasn’t.” 

Francis nodded. He never thought Roderich would have done anything to hurt or scare Gilbert intentionally. “You wanna tell me how it happened?”

Gilbert shrugged, looking back into the kitchen. From where he was sitting, he could see Antonio pacing back and forth, tearing Roderich a new one in Spanish, while Roderich sat, shooting a cold, unimpressed glare Antonio’s way. Gilbert shuddered and looked back to Francis. “He looks like him sometimes.” 

“Who?”

“Roderich,” he started. “He makes these faces that I’ve only ever seen on Johann… I doubt he knows he does it. Like his brain shuts off and the rage--” 

“Gilbert, what happened?”

“Roderich and I went for a walk, then we got coffee and sat for a little, and on the way out we ran into him. He was meeting with some girl, I thought it was a date, but Roderich said he was recruiting… I couldn’t save her… He told Roderich to see Anna and Christoph…” he paused, listening to Antonio’s voice get louder. “I swear Johann was following us. Rod was quiet in the car, but when he came in, he exploded… He woke up Toni, I don’t know where Eliza is.” 

“She went for a run.” Francis said. “She left maybe a half hour ago.” 

Gilbert nodded, looking down at the pile of forgotten glass next to him. “I’ve never seen him like this.” 

Francis opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the loud scratching of a chair on the floor followed by some choice words in Spanish directed Antonio’s way and Roderich storming out of the kitchen, nearly tripping over Francis’ legs. 

“Fucking follow me Toni, see what happens.” He snapped, storming away and slamming the library door shut. 

Antonio looked down at Gilbert, shaking his head. “The fuck happened?” 

“They ran into Johann.” Francis said, giving Gilbert a moment to calm down a little. 

“Are you okay?” He asked Gilbert, sliding down to sit on the floor across from the pair. 

Gilbert shook his head. “I will be.” 

“I’m going to kill them both.” He snapped. 

Francis shot him an unimpressed look. 

“What did he mean? Follow me and find out what happens?” Gilbert whispered. Sure, he’d seen Roderich angry before, but that was before he lived with Ivan, but even then, it was never this explosive, just cold. He felt as though if he went into the kitchen, he would be incinerated by the residual heat from Roderich’s rage. 

“Probably nothing.” Antonio sighed. “You’d think he learned that from Johann, no?” 

“Not really a question that needs answering.” Francis sighed, ignoring his phone ringing in his pocket. “I agree with Johann though, your boyfriend needs to talk to Anna.” 

Gilbert nodded almost mechanically. He couldn’t stop thinking about how cold Roderich’s eyes were when he walked out of the kitchen. He didn’t even stop to apologise to him for throwing a bottle, let alone give him so much as a second look. He was so lost in thought, he almost didn’t notice Francis disappear and a sweaty Elizabet take his place next to him. 

“What happened here?” She asked, looking at the pile of glass and the dustpan. 

“Roderich.” Antonio said bitterly. 

She looked between Gilbert and Antonio in shock. She left for less than an hour and everything seemed to fall apart. “What’d he do, throw a bottle?” 

“Sent it right past Gilbert’s head.” 

“You’re joking.” She said. It wasn’t a secret Gilbert had trauma from living with Ivan, who was famous for going on rampages and throwing things at people. What the hell was Roderich thinking, throwing a bottle at Gilbert let alone at a wall in the first place.

Antonio shook his head. 

“He’s a fucking idiot.” She said, scrubbing her face. 

“He wasn’t aiming at me.” Gilbert whispered, hanging his head. “He wouldn’t do that.” 

“No, he wouldn’t,” Francis said, returning to the hall, a glass of water in one hand and a paper bag in the other. He passed the glass to Elizabet, before scooping the glass into the bag and placing it on the table by the door. “But he still did it.” 

“But why?” Elizabet asked. She could count on one hand the number of times Roderich broke something out of rage, but he’d never once thrown anything at or near someone, let alone someone he loved. “Did something happen while you were out?” 

“We ran into Johann… but he was so quiet the entire way home, but the moment he got back he walked into the kitchen and just exploded.” Gilbert whispered. “I need to make sure he’s okay.” 

“I’ll go.” Antonio said. Before he could stand, however, Francis yanked him back to the ground. 

“Not you.” 

“I’ll go. Gilbert’s in no place, and both of you will set him off again Mr. Bitter Ex and Mr. I’m Gonna Comment on Everything You Do.” Elizabet said, standing up. 

“Liza,” Gilbert whispered. “I need to go. I’m okay.”

“I’m coming with you.” She huffed. 

Gilbert nodded, leading her down the hallway to the library, leaving Francis and Antonio to sit and stare at each other.

* * *

Roderich dug through the drawers in the library, searching for something he could punish himself with. Johann’s voice in the back of his head screamed at him for being so disobedient and stupid. Yelling at him for lashing out, telling him Gilbert would leave because of it. He wouldn’t put it past him, either. Gilbert deserved better than someone like him--hell he shouldn’t even be allowed around someone as kind and loving as Gilbert. 

He tugged on a drawer, knocking over a few photos sitting on top of the table. He cursed, feeling around the shelf above for the small key that would unlock its contents. His hands shook, Johann yelling at him for not even being able to punish himself correctly. His fingers brushed over the key, knocking it off the shelf and on to the table with a soft clatter. He glanced over his shoulder, not wanting to make too much noise. The last thing Roderich needed was someone walking in before he could atone for what he did. 

He pulled a small knife from the drawer. He turned it over in his hands, listening to the litany of abuse coming from Johann. Taking a deep breath, he turned and sat with one of the chairs blocking the view to the door. Slowly, he rolled up his sleeve and looked down at the pale scars covering his arm. Roderich stopped, looking over the pale hatches, Johann had done most of them himself. He trailed his finger over a particularly long one, remembering the burn and the look in Johann’s eyes when it happened. He couldn’t remember what he’d done for Johann to carve into his arm, but he understood that he deserved it.

Roderich pushed the blade against his arm, thinking about how he lashed out in the kitchen, focusing in on the fear in Gilbert’s eyes when he started shouting and how quickly he ran from the room after he threw the bottle; Antonio’s tirade ringing in his ears, calling him on everything from drinking and scaring Gilbert to throwing bottles and shouting, even going as far as bringing up their old relationship. He hardly noticed the searing pain in his arm or Gilbert opening the door.


End file.
